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Post by millie mccoy . on Jun 7, 2011 23:53:25 GMT -5
it was raining. this aspect sticks out bright in my thoughts, only because my sleeping mind had long been susceptible to waking to the pitter-patter on their tin roof. i remember being groggy as i woke up, and confused- but this was not unusual. i've always been that type of person that needed atleast a five minute adjustment period between any transition from asleep to awake. i'd also always been that person that needed coddling on stormy summer nights. "baby?" i muttered, voice heavy with sleep as i lazily threw my hand over to my husbands side of the bed. instead of it being met with a sleeping body, the only thing that lay between my fingertips grasp was cool cotton sheets. immediately, i perked up. my eyes open wide, struggling to adjust to the bright light. again, sully had left the lights on. annoyed i glanced at the clock, and much of my anger was subdued. at just past midnight, these were back in the days where my sleep cycle had been a little better, though still unpredictable. this had been a night where i had no trouble hitting the hay early, as when i was truly tired, sleep came easiest.
the lightening outside cracked. this made me both uneasy, and foolish. well aware that i was a little too old to be afraid of thunderstorms, and still aware of this today, the consciousness of my irrational fears did little to make them any less severe. tossing the covers off my body, the cool air hit my skin in a wave that was unwelcome, but woke me up. i remember i didn't bother to grab a bathrobe, mostly because i thought they were far too mature despite the coziness they did provide. instead, i grabbed an afghan off the foot of the bed we shared and wrapped it around my shoulders. the search for sully never proved to be too far- we seldom went room to room with out each other, but when we did separate we went our distinct ways. me to the bedroom, and he to his office or the living room. on this night, he was in the living room- just where i had left him before i'd gone to bed a few hours earlier, still watching the very same documentary that'd drove me to bed to begin with. the glow of the tv bounced off his eyes, and i couldn't hold in my smile. sully always looked his most beautiful when he was at his worst. i know it sounds terrible to say, but he wears exhaustion well and always has.
"baby, i hate this house." i stated matter-of-factly as i came up behind him, leaning over the couch and planting a tender kiss on his cheek. truth was, neither one of us much cared for the home we purchased. for the future, for the family, for another time and place and served us little but uneasy nerves with only the two of us inside. too many bedrooms, too much space, too much emptiness- this was something we'd both agreed on, and for awhile i'd foolishly, and frantically insisted that the home we shared was haunted. this of course, came from being alone at night, the rickety creak of the stair steps, the swinging of the back door- sounds that all homes made, but that i'd been previously ignorant to never hearing the type of silence in my life that i did, until we moved in. it was modest, and still extremely expensive, and we'd managed to make it as warm as possible for the both of us. bridging the gap between us, i crawled onto our sofa next to him, taking care to wrap us both in the blanket that had been wrapped around me previous.
"i was wondering when you were going to show up." sully smirked, sweeping my hair out of my face before kissing my forehead gently. "it's been storming for nearly thirty minutes." he casually searched for the remote, before turning off the television. for a moment it was only us, the darkness, and the roar of the rain. finally, he broke the silence. "it's not so bad though, don't you think?" he asked her, wrapping his muscular arms around her tight. " we've turned it into a nice little spot." i could hardly disagree with him. truthfully, i couldn't have been more pleased with the way our life had turned out. it'd been a year and a half since our wedding, and nothing but smooth sailing. of course, that was the way it always was with sully and i. things often came easy, natural, and never forced. again, the thunder cracked and the hairs on my arm stood on end.
"oh honey, i didn't mean it like that." i quickly reassured him, wanting to get the point across that i was nothing but grateful for everything that we'd given each other. "it's beautiful, lovely, amazing-" i gave him a genuine smile and a playful squeeze. "sure, it's a little- empty, big- but i'd be such a brat to complain about having too much." i stretched lazilly across the couch for a moment, before letting a yawn escape my lips. some how, my head found a perfect resting spot between his neck and his shoulder.
"well you know-" he stated, returning my squeeze, "it doesn't always have to be so empty." i knew where the conversation was going before he even finished the first half of his sentence. he'd been bringing up the prospect of children more often lately, and i was notoriously giddy every time it happened, while being cautious. i was always struggling with time- was this the right time, did they have enough time, where and when would we find the time. i was more than willing to give up my independence and dedicate my life to something new, but i wanted to do it when the time was right. after all i was only twenty-three, and he was only twenty-four and my parents were both thirty two when they had me. as far as i was concerned, we had all the time in the world. i opened my mouth in protest, but he quickly quieted me. "and i know what you're going to say, millie, i've heard it a thousand times, but i've been thinking about it and when is there ever going to be a true right time? i mean what are you waiting for, a neon sign flashing from the heavens?"
i couldn't help but smile. truthfully, i could have seen that very sight and still found reasons to put it off. "i really think this is something i'm ready for, mills. that we're both ready for." he grabbed my hand and casually brought it to his lips. "and even if we're not, we'll have enough money for the best therapists in town!" i threw back my head in a giggle, and tried to think of room to protest. this was much more difficult than anticipated: mostly because i wanted a family terribly, and he knew i wanted one terribly, and certainly used this as a weakness. "come on, millie! please!" the tone he used to beg in was so overwhelmingly sweet and affectionate, and he used his ever-annoying but unfailing puppy dog eyes and long eyelashes to attempt to sway me more. i didn't say no. and i didn't say yes. in fact, i didn't say much of anything for a good ten minutes. instead we just sat and listened to the rain, listened to the world pass outside our townhouse where people still remained busy walking the streets of new york. during this ten minutes i thought about all the logical things, mostly because i thought i owed him that much. i tried thinking about college funds and summer camp fees and pre-school touition, but every time i tried to think of the sensitble things my brain flew to another time and place; to holding my baby, watching her take her first steps, smiling her first smile and it seemed impossible to resist. i locked eyes with sullivan cormac- my sully, and gave him a very serious look that soon burst into a smile, brighter than i ever saw. a nod soon fallowed.
"yes? his eyes grew wide and he quickly sat up, a little too quickly for my body weight to adjust and i was thrown off the couch at an awkward angle. this fact seemed minute to him, as he could hardly believe what i said. "really baby, you better not me messing around with me! oh millie, this is really great. this is really just wonderful. let's get started!" and with that the sounds of the rain and the storm were forgotten, and we made love on our living room floor, like we were kids again.
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Post by millie mccoy . on Jun 16, 2011 6:06:39 GMT -5
the sunset was beautiful. we watched it together on a quilt my grandmother had made for me in anticipation of my birth. it had age to it, but held up well enough to share all my most important memories with me. i'd brought it with to california from new york not being able to imagine a day with out it, especially not all the important days i'd see once i started at pepperdine. i was twenty at the time, fresh faced and excited about life; having spent the entirety of my days in the city of new york, california was an expected change and one well worth it, despite having to heave my sisters and father behind. i remember it was august, because that date later became our wedding date- sully and me, i mean. i'd just recently cut ties with linus, and my dorm mate had recently moved out which was more of a blessing than anything else considering the girl had a few creepy quirks; one of them trying on my clothes as soon as i left the room.
when he asked me where i'd like to go for our first date, our first real date atleast, i said the beach with out hesitation. while the atlantic ocean had been my home, i'd never set foot in the pacific. not to mention i was certain the sight of me in my bikini was more than enough to ensure a good view for sully regardless of what the sunset looked like. however, when i asked to go to the beach i was expecting something more close to home, maybe a stroll down the boardwalk i saw often from my college campus, or another beach a few miles down the road. instead we found ourselves in upstate california, where sully had apparently grown up, and he took me to the beach he spent most of his time at when he was a child. he showed me all the spots; where the best waves to surf came in, and the spot where a mysterious jellyfish had been hiding in a tide pool and in turn, had stung him when he was fourteen. he also showed me the abandoned lifeguard stand where he used to take girls when he was younger. somehow, i found this a little difficult to believe; once men found a spot as perfect as that for hooking up it rarely found retirement so quickly. i found it strange he'd spend so much time in such a beautifully simple place.
from the impression i got at the time, he was no stranger to high society. after he'd given me his number a few weeks before, i'd googled him and found multiple articles on he and his various family members who were constantly stalked by the press for one thing i'd never known: wealth. this fact made me incredibly uncomfortable; money had always been something i'd worked hard for, and i'd never wanted much more than i had. to be around someone who had worth with out much effort, irritated me. however i quickly found that he was into the simple things, and we never went out to a movie or dinner. upon first glance, this was because we never agreed on any films, and because eating any meal with me was a chore. from criticizing the menu, to counting calories, i'd gotten used to eating alone and for proper reason. however under a more careful eye, this was because we didn't need to fall into the mundane to be happy. instead we'd decided to meet together for a run three times a week. while he couldn't keep up with my usual ten miles, not many men could and our time together was incredibly enjoyable. it was a little strange, though, because he didn't appear that into me by any means.
was i over thinking things? this wasn't unusual for silly me who spent hours waiting by the phone for boys to call, hours reading romance novels, hours wrapped into unrealistic romantic films such as the notebook and away from her crying my eyes out all the while. it was certainly not far fetched that this new man in my life simply wanted to be friends and nothing more. however, that first night he certainly hadn't acted that way. while linus could be identified as a jackass from a mile away, never before had a man been so aggressive and perusing me. the moxy he had, seriously! i thought my boyfriend at the time was going to jump out of his seat; not that he could really do much anyways. sully was cut and clearly took care of his body, where as linus had a steady flow of jack daniels flowing through his veins at any given time of the day. and i found it sexy- what girl wouldn't? i remember he kept touching me too, on that first time we met as we talked over diet coke (me) and dark brandy (him). nothing too outlandish, a few playful nudges and once he rested his hand on my thigh, but maybe he was just drunk. as usual, i was always the friend and never the girlfriend.
the sand curled under my toes, warm on top from the days bath in sunshine and more cool underneath. my face was wet from the sea breeze and i was drunk. super drunk, and while this wasn't my intentions it almost certainly could have been his own. even in college, i was too busy studying to go out and party. don't get me wrong, i was in a sorority after my freshmen year, but other than that my alcohol experience had only gone as far as a glass of red wine at dinner with my father. this was obviously the opposite for sully. i didn't know much about his scholastic life, other than he'd passed up an opportunity at harvard which he was clearly bitter about. while i tried to sympathize with him, i found it difficult. if he had gone across country, exactly as i had myself we never would have met, and we wouldn't have been sitting there in awesome perfection, his heavy arm draped around my shoulder and my head pressed against his chest. i found the entire thing very strange, mostly because this was not natural for me. a self-admitted prude, relationships were so not my thing, which was a shame because i'd spent the greater part of my life beating off men with a bat.
it also seemed, looking back now, that then men that did manage to weasel their way into my life were chronic bad news. they either drank too much, didn't have a job, or simply weren't interested and had no intentions on hiding that fact. i almost always looked past it, mostly because i did, and still to this day find it almost impossible that any man would truly be interested in me for my looks. i'm too tall for most men, too thin for the rest. the small majority that aren't turned off by that are by my boobs or lack there of, my entire personality in general. because of this i essentially let anyone who wasn't a complete tool in with open arms, and once they were around i did all in my power to keep them there for better or worse. but sully- he wasn't like that. he wasn't complete perfection, and had a dry and sarcastic sense of humor, but he'd never not treated her well. he'd respected her, talked just the right amount but also listened, and actually tried to get to know her; because he wanted to, and not because it was a formality.
i'd also crammed a great deal of relationships into a two year span, which wasn't all that unusual. what did make it strange was the fact that i took each one as serious as the next; never was i looking for a two week or two month relationship. i looked at every single one like it had the potential to be my last and treated it as such. often times it felt forced, and i'd made a vow to try and change that aspect of my life. i've always been a slave to routine, so this was much easier said than done. i don't think i ever would have bothered to talk to sully, had i not had intentions of breaking up with my boyfriend at the time anyways; but i too, wasn't looking for anything slightly romantic. it was probably time i took a break from all things men. it was all really just too exhausting for me.
but it was different with him, and i know it sounds so incredibly cliché i can hardly stand it, but there's no better way to say it. i believe strongly that love is nothing more than a chemical reaction evolved by the need to fuel procreation, and chemistry is nothing more than a magnetic pull. despite my romanticism, this is an incredibly unromantic and scientific way of looking at things, but it doesn't make it any less beautiful. but that chemistry, that reaction- that pull between sully and i was incredibly strong, almost unnatural. i literally could not keep my eyes off of him. in conversation i felt my dark brown eyes glued to his own blue in this sick intensity that i thought might make him uncomfortable. however, every time i tried to look away i found myself drawn back into his irresistible gaze. "sully, cut it out!" i squealed as he gave my shoulder a playful bite. this gesture stands in my mind above all the rest because the love bite left a bruise that lasted for over a week; he apologizing vehemently but i finding it strangely affectionate; a memory of our time together even when he was out of sight. i slapped him playfully, finding it hard to control my immature giggles. it was dark out now, and the streetlights had come on. they did nothing to light the area we were in, but i could see them beyond the shoreline a half mile from where we currently sat.
"oh, you don't like that?" he chirped, a bright smile plastered across his face not unlike his state of mine. "then i think you need another beer. no, no- come on mills, i opened it for you and everything." he stated in anticipation of my protest. the last thing i needed at the moment was another beer, but i took it anyways. i lit a cigarette certainly looking ridiculous. these were back in the days of my two pack a day marlboro light extravaganza; as close to a phase of rebellion as i would ever get. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry-" i stated in a frenzy, waving the smoke out of the air and trying to delude the smell. "i know it's a disgusting habit, i'm trying to quit but i swear the government outs hormones into that nicorette garbage" he waved it off for what it was, and a moment later took the cigarette out of my hand. taking a long drag from the filter, he exhaled the dark gray smoke into the nights air with practiced ease. "you're right, disgusting habit" he confirmed, serious face once again spreading into a smile. i gave an eyeroll before snagging my marlboro back for a moment, before taking a final drag and putting it out in the sand. "don't let me forget that when we leave." i asked him to remind me, not wanting to litter but foolish for thinking either of us would remember such a seemingly unimportant thing.
i don't know how it happened- there could have been a gust of wind, or perhaps i just got lazy but i fell back into the sand, looking up at the stars. i'm pretty sure i knocked over the half-filled beer he'd handed me only minutes before because my sleeve got wet, but it could have been from the ocean. i found myself captivated in the stars for just a moment. they were something i rarely got sight of in new york city, what with the light pollution and what not. however, here in california, specifically upstate where the closest you got to a skyscraper was a redwood tree, the sky was the epitome of perfection. i tried hard to remember some of the constellations i'd learned in grade school, but it was a futile attempt. i closed my eyes for a moment, and when i opened them the celestials were swirling around me. i didn't notice it until that moment, but at some point in time sully had grabbed my hand, slipping his fingers in-between mine. i found the whole thing to be incredibly sweet, but was once again lost in the sky. "i have no idea what i'm looking at." i said, lost in my own world and talking more than i was talking to him personally. "but it's really fucking beautiful."
before i knew it, he was on top of me. had my eyes been closed, i never would have noticed since he was careful to keep his weight focused on his elbows rather than my body which would have been almost surely crushed. suddenly we were face to face, so close together i could feel his breath hot on my neck. caught once again in his gaze, he did nothing to avert the intensity. "no, you're really fucking beautiful," he stated simply.
i certainly didn't feel beautiful. my hair was in a messy ponytail, and i was still in my running clothes from our periodic jog. i smelled like sea salt instead of perfume, our dip in the ocean to blame for that, and i'd passed that afternoon on the make up. not to mention my breath probably smelled like cigarettes and i'm sure there was dirt under my fingernails, and i'm positive there was sand in my pants, so i had nothing to retort. instead i glared at him with a sort of horrified, surprised look on my face not sure of what to say or what to do. it seemed as if this came out of nowhere, and really it did. one moment i was looking at the sky, the next moment i was looking at him. one moment i was suffering through drinks with linus, the next discussing political agenda and dirty pick up lines with sully. i suddenly felt very out control, and i instinctively put my hands against his chest, applying just the slightest amount of pressure, pushing him back. "wait" i whispered, though i didn't really know what i wanted him to wait for. he backed up a few inches, confused, but he still didn't break his gaze from my own. i felt incredibly exposed and embarrassed. just what was he doing here? better yet, what was i doing here? what the fuck were we doing together in that location, and what did he want from me.
i sighed. deep and throaty, i did my best to release as much tension as possible in that one gust of air just as i had learned in yoga. after doing that, i felt much better though my inebriated state did little to help me sort through my emotions. i'm sure there were a thousand reasons why that moment made me uncomfortable, but the words spilled out my mouth in no particular order if importance. "i'm sorry, i'm just confused. i have no idea what's going on here or what you expect from me, but i think you should probably know i'm not really the kind of girl that's going to be your one night stand." i paused for a moment, though his facial expression remained the same giving me no clue as to how he was taking all this. "and not only that but i think you realized what a dick my last boyfriend was, and they're all like that, and you've been really amazing but i thought you just sort of wanted to be friends, or just hang out with someone. i'm sorry if i gave you the wrong impression or anything, that really wasn't my intention-" i knew that i was blabbering, as i often do and did when i was nervous, but i didn't want to upset him. i sat up a little bit, leaning back on my elbows forcing him to move further away from me. distance was good. atleast the distance was something; anything other than that piercing gaze. "listen," i pleaded in one last attempt to salvage this date. "i guess i'm just not very good with this stuff. i think i just have a really fucked up perspective on relationships and probably everything else. you don't want to get caught up in this anyways." i gave him a small smile, pleading for some sort of signal that what i'd said was alright.
but still, he said nothing. i wondered what was going on inside his head. still, i remained too afraid to ask and too conflicted to mention anything more. his hand rested on my knee, which was bare and his touch gave me Goosebumps. after moments of silence, he asked quietly, "do you think i'm a dick?" i could hardly believe what was coming out of his mouth. i might have been interperating it the wrong way, but it sounded an awful lot like insecurity, a language i was fluent in. i was so shocked by what he said, i found myself caught in yet another struggle of how to answer him. to this day, that's a concept that hasn't changed; there is no right answer with sully. there is only the best answer, delivered after careful consideration and a little luck. "of course not." i reassured him quickly, not skipping a beat between his end and my beginning. "i think you're fantastic, or else i wouldn't hang out with you." this carried little merit; it was pretty clear that i often surrounded myself with people i couldn't stand, but i meant it with sincerity. you just caught me a little off guard. i know this was a date and everything but i thought that we were going to keep this a little more casual."
he gave a shrug, as if my answer was acceptable. from under his breath, i heard him mumble a quiet "shit!" later on i realized that he'd stuck his hand in the beer i'd spilled. this did little to throw us back into the grasps of reality. he turned over on his side, laying too close to me for comfort head perched up on his hand. "there's one thing i gotta tell you about me, millie" he said in a serious voice that i'd never heard on him until that point. "i'm not an easy person to get along with, but i'd treat you right. and yeah, you're a little crazy and this ten mile a day running thing you've got going is scary compulsive, but if i wanted to be with someone perfect, i'd just date myself." this was not a charming sentence. if what would one day be my husband said this to me now, i'd probably throw up in my mouth, but for some reason it hit my heart as some sort of compliment. i found his honesty refreshing, mostly because people were never honest with me. "and i'm not going to hurt you, either. not physically or emotionally or any other way you might be afraid of, so you don't have to worry about that either." i turned to face him, becoming more and more touched by his words. "i have a promising future, a trust fund, i'm disease free, i'm good with kids. i don't snore and i won't embarrass you in front of your friends, and i'll spend time with your family." i found the conversation had gone from uncomfortable to unbearable. his hand touched the side of my face, and i closed my eyes to stop from wincing. i just wanted him to shut up, be quiet- i was regretting ever going on this date. "but i think the only thing you need to know is that i'm here, millie. i'll be here when you want me, if you ever want me, and even if that day never comes i'm still going to be in your face reminding you of what we could be ever single fucking second until then."
he hit me close to home. i'm sure that girls like me are a dime a dozen. these days a broken household is as common as ants in an ant hill- and i'm sure we all have the same issues, too. clinging to the abuse, the fear of abandonment- it's all as textbook and unoriginal as it could possibly be, and he said the perfect thing to get me going. however, i was not easily swayed. "why?" were the only words that escaped my lips, not because i actually wanted to know but because i felt i needed to ask, and he was more than eager to provide an answer charisma dripping off of every word. "i mean, i get it millie. you're broken- a lot of girls are, but it's worth dealing with. don't take this the wrong way, but you're pretty fucking abnormal." i gave him a crooked look after he said this, one of the top ten things i never want to hear escape from a mans lips in regards to my own person "come on, that's not what i meant. you're different, i'm sure you know it. you're easy to wife up, you know. there's girls you take to the beach and fuck, and then there's girls like you." i stared at him wide-eyed and in disbelief. "i have no idea what you're talking about, sully" i said quietly. i was much more moved than i let on.
this time it was his turn to sigh. i'm sure he was thinking i was as dense as a log- or a marble, or something that sinks when yout throw it in water. "don't even worry about it, mills." he said, cutting off the conversation with a swift wave in true sully fashion. "we'll save it for another day. all that's important right now is this moment. i'm on my favorite beach with a beautiful girl i'm going crazy for, i'm drunk as hell, and for the first time in two years i'm not completely starving." he placed his hand on my stomach, and i didn't jump. even back then it hurt sometimes, but not on that night not that i could feel much of anything, long numbed by alcohol. his touch was sensual and new; i can't recall a man touching me in that way before or after, and his next words were priceless. "i'm going to kiss you now, millie, and if you kiss me back i'm going to touch you too, but if i make you uncomfortable i want you to let me know." and with that, his lips met mine. his face zoned into my own slowly, and i could take in all the characteristics of his face. i wanted to run away, but i ignored these feelings mostly because there was no place to go and i was so tired of running. besides, this was normal, wasn't it? teenagers did this sort of thing all the time, and i didn't always have to over think everything so much. he hadn't said he wanted her- well, of course he had, but he hadn't said that he wanted her right that moment and that he was willing to wait for whatever he needed to, and i found a lot of security in this. in fact, it alleviated a lot of the stress that had made me so nervous only moments ago.
so i did kiss him back. mostly because his lips were soft and i was still captivated in his touch, and also because he was willing to kiss me even though i didn't taste the greatest. and the kiss was perfect, it really was. Some how while remaining sweet, the kiss was also carnal and sexually charged and when his mouth met mine it was almost as if he was hungry for me, and in a way i was hungry for him, too. my hand found the back of his head, fingers wrapping in his blonde hair and giving it a gentle pull. this only caused him to press his mouth harder against my own, and i could taste the beer on his lips. in a fluid movement, his body was on top of my own once more only this time the weight was much heavier. unlike before, i didn't feel suffocated but instead found the weight that bared down on me sort of comforting. he grabbed my hands and pinned them behind my head, and i didn't object. the fact that i didn't protest seemed to fuel him; what once was a sensual kiss had now turned into a devourment of all that was me, and i was more than ready to give. his fingers crept up my shirt and i did little to stop him. in fact, i uncharacteristically took advantage of the moment and sat up quickly, pealing the body armor from my skin and revealing my too-thin-not-curvy-enough figure when only moments ago i said i'd do anything but. "millie?" he questioned, but i ignored him and i think he knew better than to ask twice. it suddenly became very aware to me that we were still in public. granted, it was late at night and we'd seen no more than fifteen people even during the daylight hours on the secluded hours, but the thrill, the excitement of knowing that any moment someone could have walked in on us made me feel incredibly devious.
my arms wrapped around his neck, i pulled him as close to me as humanly possible, rimming my fingers in the crease of his shirt before slipping it over his head. absent-mindedly he fumbled with the clasp of my bra, and i had no need to stop him until then. "no...leave it on." i stated in a gaspy, preoccupied breathe. the action didn't stop, his mouth traced kisses down my neck and across my collar bone but through a muffled mouth escaped "if you want to stop this millie, you better say something right this instant." and i didn't say anything, mostly because i didn't want it to stop. it was so unusual but at the same time felt so incredibly right, and just a few more moments. "no, that's not what i'm saying- it's just, they're my best attribute, i need to leave a little for the imagination" implying that i had full intentions of giving it up on our first date in a way that was so un-millie it was ridiculous. and i probably would have, and i think he knew that i would have which is why all of a sudden it stopped, just as swiftly as it had all begin, him coming back to meet my gaze in a panting breath. there was a simple smirk across his face, to meet my own incredibly smile. the sides of my face hurt, not being able to remember a time when i had smiled so ferociously. and i started laughing, and so did he.
and he placed a kiss against my forehead, while i closed my eyes and i felt so comfortable. "come on, millie. let's get you decent." he then said, picking me up off the sandy ground and slipping my under armor around my head and down my waist like i was a child again. and for a moment, neither of us said anything. he just kept looking at me with that smile that i found confusing and endearing and affectionate all rolled into one. finally, i had to break the silence. "what!?" i suddenly exclaimed in a laugh giving him a playful shove. i couldn't help but feel like we were kids who'd just gotten walked in on by their parents, awkward and immature. he said nothing, but shook his head his devious smirk turning into a full-fledged smile. "i guess i just wasn't expecting that, any of that- especially from you. don't take it the wrong way, i'm pleasantly surprised." and i said no more, mostly because i didn't know what to say and because he didn't say anything else either. instead he just gave his head another shake, before cocking his head at me one final time, and gave me a kiss. it felt familiar, and it felt kind. we spent the rest of the night making out under the stars, and it felt alright that it didn't go any further than that. i think we both wanted to keep it innocent; we were too special to be tainted.
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Post by millie mccoy . on Jul 5, 2011 3:36:33 GMT -5
the phone rang. anxiety and tension flew though my body and i was quick to answer. too quick- not one ring having passed once the name clicked across my blackberry screen: dr. stencil. "hello?" i questioned quickly, eager to hear the familiar voice on the other line. "milagros?" my doctor inquired. a twinge of annoyance ran through my body.
"millie. yes doctor, it's me. i'm assuming you got my test results back, right?" my voice was eager and i was taking quickly, not wanting to live another moment in this state of mind. for the past three days i'd been like this, a nervous wreck really and quite distant from those around me. i consumed myself in my work because that's what felt comfortable; but i was exhausted and i needed to know. "certainly." he quipped in his familiar tone. and then nothing, no continuation on the conversation. just a dull, gut-crunching silence that seemed to linger on for hours. "...and?" i prodded, just wanting him to come out with it.
"millie, i really think you ought to come down to the office."
an impatient wave of anger ran through my body. "dr. stencil, please. you've known me since i was a child. if there's something you need to tell me, you need to tell me right now. you know i've been consumed with this since it came up and i don't need a consoling hand on my shoulder. i can handle whatever you need to tell me and i won't hold it against you for letting your bedside manner lapse just this once. don't beat around the bush."
"millie, you have cancer."
and i stopped breathing, and i was silent, and then i was so violently ill. i had to run to the bathroom and throw up my lunch. embarrassed, i put my phone on mute as not to alert my doctor or fuel his conscious. in the background i could hear him talking in a voice that almost matched the tone of mine prior, eager to console me but knowing i was inconsolable. "i'll admit that we caught it late, but you're one of the healthiest people i've ever known and if anyone can beat this disease it's you. i'll be honest with you because you asked me to, but it won't be easy. there might be some long term complications that we already discussed- are you there milagros?"
my eyes snapped open, and i quickly clicked the mute button off and spoke. "complications?" "we already discussed them: we'll go about things as planned. i'll have my receptionist give you a date and time for your surgery and as soon as you've recovered from that we'll start the chemo, then go from there." i was hollow. ________________________________
i see myself as a shadow in a broken mirror.
i am distorted and i am lost, so i had to leave. i quickly took a trip upstairs, walked- but only because my stomach was still weak and so was i and the haze i wandered in was quite lonesome. i grabbed a small bag and threw in it only what i would need- toiletries, my tennis shoes, and some of my most important possessions; my social security card and a list of mine and sully's assets. i caught my reflection on the way out and saw someone i did not know.
i can only imagine what the scene must have looked like, a wrong doing in my part that was childish but needful. a marlboro light burned in our home; a smell that was foreign with in these walls. pressed between my lips i drew needy breathes from the tobacco in a poetic fashion. i figured cancer was already burning through me, what was another small contribution? a pencil wrote on paper in my unruly scrawl for sullivan to find whenever he returned, what i hoped would be hours from now.
]sully, i've got to get out of here for awhile. some things have come up and i don't know what to think about them and i need some time to figure it all out. i'll be back in a few days, once i get myself together. please don't try and look for me, i've tried to do the same and so far i've found nothing. remember my love for you is eternal; it's ever flowing and it burns, millie.
i put the pen down and took a deep breathe. i didn't cry because i felt nothing, so there were no tear stained pages to hide. i put my cigarette out and once it was gone i missed the singe of my lungs that it induced. i wanted to hurt. from then i walked out the door and took off north. not thirty steps away and lost in the crowd, a taxi pulled up to our townhome and sully exited in practiced fashion. i didn't turn around and i didn't wave. instead i kept walking, and little grief came to me. ________________________________________
the office was cold and so was i, but no one else seemed to notice.
i remember i tried to look classy and put together but i'm sure i did a piss poor job. i'd called up the family lawyer, or rather, the mccoy family lawyer who'd become a family friend and asked him to recommend a good divorce lawyer to me for a friend. i knew i couldn't use him to draw up the papers, but thankfully could afford a lawyer of my own. while highly recommended, i found mr. lewis to be a very dry and uncaring man who had no taste in decor or any admirable qualities at all. the cliche of it all was overwhelming; and he stood true to law coming with out passion.
mccoy?" he inquired. i snapped back to reality, wondering how long he'd been talking to the absent me for. my eyes met his own. "or do you wish to go by seranno from this point on?"
"no."[/colo] i stated hastily, shaking my head for emphasis. " i'm going to keep my married name. my father's name never much suited me." i gave a weak smile to meet his taken aback face.
"alright then. how did you wish to divide up the assets, alimony payments, there are no children in question of this case so that won't be an issue."
"fifty-fifty" i stated, looking to the floor feeling quite ashamed. i wanted this to be fair, clean, but i still wanted to be taken care of. i'd invested infinite amounts into our business, emotionally and financially and i deserved to have a piece the wealth we'd acquired together. not to mention i needed to work as the primary support system of my family, and to have enough to take care of my sisters and my father for as long as i was able to, and then some after.
"and what did you want to list as reason for termination of marriage?" he inquired once more, fingers jabbering loudly on the laptop he mostly hid behind. i paused for a moment, not wanting to misplace my words. when i spoke i made sure to do so carefully.
"witholdment of information. i was dishonest in our marriage."
he took this news in a passive way, as if it was every day he heard such a thing. remembering that he was indeed a divorce attorney who dabbed in the dirty laundry of the married, i realized that was exactly what he did. " can you elaborate. i only ask because if fidelity was an issue, that's listed under a separate category. you can trust that i'm not here to judge you."
"um-" my vision tunneled out. these episodes, panic attacks- something had becoming more frequently and i tried desperately to shake the spell. anytime, other than this when i needed to remain cool and collected and more level headed than ever before. but i couldn't because i was loosing track of me once again and i felt so desperate and i didn't want to admit this out loud. it was embarrassing and abnormal and i was a freak: i felt my bottom lip tremble like the lips of the children i would never have might. when i looked up from the floor i was met with his enquiring eye and my eyes watered. three days after leaving sully and that was the first time i'd released any real emotion regarding this ordeal that had been thrown at me: i felt ridiculous and foolish, and something that was quite unfamiliar to me: weakness. "you see-" and i started crying and i put my hand over my mouth to stifle my cracking voice. "i can't have children," i finished horridly. "i've failed my husband as a wife and a woman." and then i started sobbing, like the mess that i was.
he hurried me out of his office quickly after that, promising me he'd fax me over the papers before the day was over. ______________
i looked disgusting but i just didn't care enough to shower anymore. i'd spent the last two days before in bed but slept very little, and still found myself incredibly exhausted. my make up was old and i hadn't bothered to wash it off. i remember that my fingers hurt too; a habitual nail biter, the skin around my fingernails had been gnawed raw. outside it was raining and the world was wet. my clothes had been soaked to the bone long ago, as i paced around the city. just under a week after i'd left home, i was returning once again.
sully had done what i had asked from him the first two days after i left. he called my cell phone just once to tell me how much he loved me, how much he missed having me in the bed next to him, how he couldn't wait to have me in his arms once again when i felt a little bit better. he said he'd take me on a vacation, anywhere i wanted to go: a babymoon, he called it. one last big bang before we had a family of our own. this message was excruciating to listen to, and made me sick to my stomach. in fact, just about anything made me throw up these days, sadly due to stress rather than pregnancy like those around me thought. just another excuse to rub salt in the wound, i suppose. it was after that message rang through on my phone that i'd met with mr. lewis: i could not put him through this pain, and something in me did know it was inevitable. i suppose that if i tried to disassociate myself from it, maybe he would have hated me a little less. however after i'd been gone for five days with little contact, my cellphone was ringing off the hook. the voicemails that he left at that point were generally concerned and eventually turned into frantic. it was only for this reason that i finally picked up after a few hours of desperate ringing. i agreed to come home, if only to talk the day after next.
and the wait had been trying, just as the wait to hear the doctors news also had been, only this was a wait i was willing to endure. i was terrified of talking to him, looking at him, not only because i felt unworthy but also because i had to live with the knowledge of what i was about to do and it was just so much easier to avoid the entire topic for as long as possible. my steps down the street felt unrealistic and unreal. i was literally not myself; for i was caught in the back of my mind in some sort of gentle haze, quite unaware of what i was really doing at the moment. i only know this because of the way i thought at the time; like this was just going to go over right as rain, that sully either would care or would not care and there would be little mess. any other sort of millie would have known this was not only impossible but not really even normal. however, that had not stopped me from issuing the summons to be served to sully hours before i met him at our home, and i hoped he would be there not wanting anyone to have to deliver the divorce papers to him at work. that was a road of embarrassment i did not want to drive down with him, who did not deserve it. i'd like to live with the idea that dormant millie woke up at this point, screamed at the drone-like millie in control to stop, don't do this, don't throw away everything you've ever wanted, but this did not happen. if it had, i'm sure i would find myself at a very different place in life as we speak.
but still, it had to be done. or atleast i thought it had to be done and so i did it. i walked down the street to our home. i remember having a few drinks, but i wasn't totally drunk; just enough to let my lips feel numb so i couldn't feel it when i clenched my jaw, a youthful habit that had just recently returned. i looked my husband in the eye, the love of my life and told him i wanted a divorce. i stared him down, met his baby blues with my own chocolate brown and said "this is just what has to be done, i can't give you what you want. the family, the happiness. you'll always be me, my person, but this is right and some day you're going to thank me for this." and he didn't say a word. he just looked at me and i found his gaze penetrating. i felt his heartbeat slowing in my chest and i felt his thoughts radiating through his head: how could i do this? and i didn't say anything back because there was nothing to respond to. there was only us, inches together and so close and feeling it, you know. the passion, the love, the sadness and i started crying. i've done a lot of that lately but at the time it was extremely foreign and out of character and he held me. this made me only cry harder. my husband was always good to me, beautiful and while i knew this was wrong it was also right and i left there feeling as lost as ever.
however, no embrace since and before had ever felt as warm as that hug.
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