Post by ivy westerveldt on Mar 29, 2011 21:41:04 GMT -5
lexa, rosie, citizen.[/i][/color]
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[/i][/color]------young adult years
i've known my daughter for her whole life. i've seen her ups and her downs. i've seen her change in character, attitude, and spirit. if there's anything i know for sure, it's that she doesn't resent people, with the exception of my wife. it stems from the faith that she has in people. she believes so much in the good of people, and the fact that there's no such thing is a bad person, only bad decisions. through this i've seen her heart break. i've come to conclude that the only thing that could ever break her heart is a let down. when she believes in someone, it almost becomes her. when i had relapsed, one of the hundred times at least, ivy always believed in me. it was heartbreaking for me to see so much of her defined by my well being. but that's who she is. i don't think she realizes her own extent when it comes to my sobriety. sometimes that's what everyone needs. that person who will constantly be on their side, and love them so unconditionally. this trait is the one that i've always loved about her, but it's worrying me too. she brought her newest boyfriend over, tomas. i saw so much of myself in him it made me sweat. the way she was looking at him and raving about him was a father's worst nightmare. i know of his past, as i know of anyone's past my daughter's date. i have my ways. and i'm probably not one to say he's no good for her, but i can't help it. i think he's a great kid, but i worry about history repeating itself. i worry that this is something she's never going to let go until it's alright. - phillip westerveldt, father.
------late teen years[/i][/color]
i’ve known ivy for practically my entire life. my mum has told me about the days when we used to bathe together with the most innocent of intentions. however, the most vivid memory i have was from when we were much older. we attended the same primary school and as an end of the year treat, we went on a boat ride on the thames. you know, get to see big ben and the tower. anyway, ivy was being as foolish as she ever was, trying to be like the titanic. you know, the “king of the word” garbage. i could swear on my life that she was going to slip and fall into the river. before i knew it, the fucking hero that i was had to say something, more like scream that she get away from the edge. she was not grateful at all and laughed in my face for ages for that. she never did, and still never lets me forget that brief surge of testosterone. since that instant that sort of forged us to be in each other’s lives whether we wanted it or not, we spent nearly twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week together. well, more like i spent all of my time locked in her bedroom with her. only to emerge when my mum was home. she always hero worshipped my mum, looking through her closets and what not. i think in the beginning ivy tried to use me to make her mum upset, because i remember this one time that she insisted we stay at her house when my parents were not even home. it didn’t really work though because i wasn’t able to tell who had a bigger smile on her face every time i showed up on their front door step, her or her mum. ivy always got what she wanted, and she still does. she does that pout thing with her lips and it drives me fucking crazy. - travis armstrong, ex-boyfriend.
oh my goddddd. last night was a fucking riot. we had started night off with just a chill girls night. but knowing us, we knew that was not what the night actually had in store for us. pixie, louisa, phillipa, joan and i were all bored as fuck. it was so weird to see a text from ivy. she hadn't called us in months, literally! some new boyfriend occupying her time. but she was single, so she phoned us up. i don't really give a fuck. i know it bothers pixie because of how close they used to be, but if the girl wants her boyfriend as her life, that's on her. so whatever, she came over. and after too many bottles of wine we decided to board a flight to paris. you should have seen louisa calling her whole entire phone book begging for any money they could spare for her ticket. but after awhile, she found her way, as she always does. and to paris we went! i hip checked a girl straight off of the speaker, got kicked out, thought i was being escorted to the VIP area, and really i was just tossed right out the back door. so finally my so called friends realized i was no longer there, and went on a hunt for me. i was sitting in back, minding my own business. pixie, phillipa, and joan came out. i asked where louisa and ivy were and they said how they'd gone at it inside. ivy was nowhere to be found.. until she was found in the back of the club with the same guy who wouldn't stop buying her drinks. like we get it, you were drunk. but come on ives, you just ended your relationship, why the fuck are you so set on getting right back into another? - sandra linch, friend.
------entries from natalie weterveldt's journal[/i][/color]
------february 7, 1988.
this morning i woke up to a bed without my husband again, philip seems to be missing more so than usual lately. his father phoned me yesterday, wondering where he'd been, as he didn't show for work, for the seventh time this month. do take note of the date, the seventh. i'm worried, but i'm also not. the worry in me is stemming from the fact that i have this gut feeling that i'm pregnant. we've had scares before, but it has never been anything so.. personal. it's like i just know. i wouldn't want to put a child through his disappearing acts. but i'm not worried, because i know philip's addiction. i have never touched cocaine, but i am not an innocent. i've supplied the drinks that have led to his binges, and i have accepted him back every time. i know the good in his heart, he is an addict, but the addict is not him.
------february 15, 1988.
that was not an exaggeration, i am pregnant. five tests and a doctors word proving the fact. the fact that is going to lead to me being cut out of my families will, and the fact that philip is going to need to get his act together. it's not fun and games anymore. he may only be twenty three years old, but he is going to be a father. is it awful that i don't know if i want to be a mother yet? it's something i've always wanted, don't get me wrong.. it's just, i'm still young. i feel as though i'm a baby, having a baby. this is unreal. i suppose this house is too big for the two of us.
------june 6, 1988.
this house has never felt so small. each and every room is filled with bassinets, toys, clothes, diapers, milk, what have you. did i mention that we found out we were having twins? two girls. it was the most ecstatic day of my life. i wonder if anyone would believe me if i told them i knew i was going to have twins my entire life. i just had this premonition. maybe i had always wanted a twin, but no matter the case, i knew i was going to have twins! philip has been great. his mother threw us a baby shower, there were the strangest people there. people who hadn't even attended our wedding suddenly wanted to be a part of everything. i was somewhat bothered that the westerveldt's had thought it was alright to go as far as inviting their investors, but i am not going to complain.
------november 13, 1988.
november 11, 1988, i was in labor for seventeen hours. the twins were not willing to come into the real world, or so it seemed. but after those seventeen hours, a gruesome stay in a hospital bed, to be home with flora amerie and ivy emelia, i consider it worth it. i had always assumed people were being cliche when they said that the day they had their children they were instantly in love, their lives were changed, all of it, i doubted. i now know the feeling. i thought i cared for philip more than i cared for myself, but i care for these girls more than i've ever cared for anything. even my mother's vintage chanel collection.
------march 7, 1992.
philip was clean for three years yesterday. yesterday he was a man devoted to his family, work, and taking care of himself. but late last night, a huge client pulled his accounts from the westerveldt's investment agency. i think he knew it was coming, and the fact that he couldn't control him was eating him alive. he knows his father will never let anything happen to us, but i think after having flora and ivy, he knows he too is a father now, knowing he can't provide for us personally made him crack. i would feel sorry for him years ago, but he's no longer a young man having a good time, he's a husband and a father who is troubled and needs help. the girl's are only three, and the look on their faces when he wasn't there this morning for breakfast broke my hear. i could cry if i think about it any longer, he can do this to me, but not to them.
------april 15, 1992.
thirteen days, and no word from philip. i don't think he's dead, though i can never be too sure. my sister told me we'd better get a nanny, i can't take care of these girls on my own. as badly as i wish i could, i just can't. i interviewed a lady today, her name is sylvia. i think she is exactly what we need. she's willing to live in the house, and help take care of practically everything.
------september 30, 1998.
philip is ok now. after having been a shit father for the past six years, ivy still clings to his side. it's nice to see that she won't let her love for him go, but at the same rate, how can she not see what he's put us through? she's young, and i understand that. but still. i don't know. my days spent home are limited. it's not fair that i have taken care of them for years by myself, or with sylvia, but with no husband. he can sit and play housewife. i've got better things to do. there's a gala at the armstrong's, and i refuse to bring philip. he's nothing but an embarrassment. i've considered telling people we're separated, that's how badly i hate him.
------january 5, 1999.
how is it possible that someone so normal could produce someone so demonic? for an eleven year old, ivy's temper tantrums are unreal. she is so smart it almost scares me. she can read me like a book. i have never heard an eleven year old child spew such evil yet scarily true insults. today she told me the only thing i know how to do is give up. i sent her to her room. all i could think about was whether or not that was true. after a heavy though session and a good bottle of merlot, i realize it wasn't. what does an eleven year old know? i told her she could leave her room, she told me that would only put her closer to me and she'd rather die. that is not normal. i don't know what to do with her. i tell her father, and she's of course his angel. she does no wrong in his eyes, it's sickening. the way he falls at her feet, the way i have never heard him tell her no. this is why she's so spoiled. this is exactly why she knows just how to work people to get her way.
------november 7, 2001.
it is four days before the girls birthday, and philip is awol. i overheard ivy crying the other night. the next morning i asked her what was upsetting her- she told me i wasn't worthy of knowing, and went straight back to her room. i hate that i get so upset with her, it's just i can't handle knowing she forgives him so easily. i had to learn the hard way that he was never going to change, and i just don't want her to end up the same. we've all cut contact with him, he's not welcome here. this is the final straw, ivy knows this. she's mad at me, but i have her best interest at heart. he phoned her this morning, and being the pest that i am. i picked up the phone in my room and listened it. he was crying, he told her how much he loved her, and how this had nothing to do with her. it was the only time since she was a baby that i heard her cry. yes, i'd heard it coming from her room. or i'd see the tears stream down her face when she didn't get her way. but something about it was so raw. she would never open up with me the way she does with him. she told him that it wasn't fair that she is so little and had to go to bed worrying if her father was going to be alive the next day. he sat in silence for over a minute, and she told him he had to choose. he said that he chose his family.
------november 11, 2001.
today is their birthday. i was doubting philip's choice, but at 12:00pm, he was knocking at the door. his daugthers' thirteenth birthday, and i told him he wasn't welcome. i didn't know that ivy was listening at the top of the staircase. before i knew it, she flew right past me into his arms. i haven't seen her smile so big in god knows how long. i almost felt bad for calling her spoiled rotten all of the time, but i had a bit of an epiphany as i watched the two of them talking on the front porch. while she may ask for everything in the world, have no switch in her head that tells her when to be nice and when not to be, it's because of him. the way that we raised her. from day one, we gave her everything. she would cry for a single second, and i was there to comfort her and give her a bottle. she wanted a dress up set, sylvia was out first thing in the morning getting her one. and while we could supply her with gifts like these all of the time, there was a lack of love. it's hard to explain. i love her more than anything, but i could never express it rightfully so to her. there has always been a barrier, and it has always been her need to defend and take care of her father. and even he took that for granted, walking all over each and every apology, knowing in his mind he was leaving two children and a wife at home when he stayed out partying and killing himself. and ivy took that personally, she could get all of the attention and presents in the world, but all she wanted was to have her father there and not only sporadically.
------may 5, 2005.
i rarely see my kids anymore. i feel content knowing that ivy is with travis. i feel content knowing if i give her the credit card she'll shut up. i feel content knowing that they're using protection. and i know this because of the box of trojans i found on her dresser today. i don't feel content knowing she doesn't even have the common courtesy to at least hide them from me. but again, i can't emphasize enough how much good he's done for her! i don't see her girlfriends around too much, but that's alright, because i think that they were a bit too provocative anyways. anyways. ivy and i went to breakfast with travis and his mum today. the way that child's personality changes while in the presence of any other elder she adores is crazy. she's always had manners, but she has a certain way of speaking. the words that flow from her mouth are more eloquent around his mother, she's not so hostile. i'm almost beginning to see a new her. if this means i have to give into her demands at let travis be around twenty-four-seven, i am willing to do it. anything for this terrible two stage that has lasted far longer than her two's to end.
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