. constructed for you

[millie mccoy .]

KID, IT'S BETTER THAT WAY .
TRY TO AVOID ALL THE LINES,
BUT I CAN'T HAVE YOU STAY .

YOU CAN'T KEEP RUNNING.
THERE IS NO PLACE TO GO.

[/I][/center]

--------MILLIE felt a lot worse than she looked, but she still looked pretty bad. When she saw herself in the mirror that morning she found someone unfamiliar and foreign facing back at her. With a colorless pallor and dark circles under her eyes- a thin face, she convinced herself that it was more the stress, the anxiety, the sleepless nights that were taking its toll on her appearance and not her health. It really wasn’t that unexpected- she was going through a very unexpected and sudden divorce, and poor poor girl for that. However, that had been hours ago, seeming like centuries in her routine that had stood out to be intensely unremarkable. Another sleepless night motivated her to balance the business checkbooks before crawling into bed around four, only to toss and turn for a few hours. She must have closed her eyes at some point, but only a flash of a second because before she knew it, the sun was up and the birds (tragic creatures) simply would not shut the fuck up. Wednesday was the day she utilized her skills as a personal trainer at the gym, ate a small lunch, taught a palates class, and fell asleep on her office desk. She was relieved that no one had noticed; she liked to keep a professional reputation and certainly would have been mortified had anyone walked in on her catnap.

--------SHE spent the rest of her day avoiding phone calls and deleting voicemails from her oncologist. She’d become increasingly more pressured to undergo a surgery and start chemotherapy, but she’d done a marvelous job avoiding the white-coated men for the past few weeks. This was partially because she couldn’t think of a realistic reason to “take off’ work, but mostly because she was terrified of doctors, always had been- and would rather deal with the crippling stomach pains as opposed to coming to terms with her own mortality. And having others come to terms with it. However, while mindlessly scanning through her voicemails, deleting the ones necessary she came across one from her younger sister, Tamsin, inviting her to a girls night. Tamsin was quite a few years younger than Millie, but she was sweet and precious and had quite a gift when it came to musical instruments. She’d never been one to skip out on an invitation to revisit her college years, and politely accepted. Four hours later, they met for a late pizza (Millie declined, after a speech about the dangers of hormones in dairy products) and a Matt Damon movie. At some point she’d ingested a Cosmopolitan and one of the girls had offered to blaze her out. She’d politely refused, but did not object when her younger sister- her baby sister, the one she used to chastise about not ever, never using drugs or smoking passed her a bag with a hand rolled joint inside.

--------MILLIE obviously wasn’t a smoker. There was a time during her teenage years that she dealt with a serious nicotine addiction, but she’d kicked the habit cold turkey and never gone back. She valued her health, her lungs- all of it so much more than looking cool. Thinking about it for a moment, the health and vitality of her lungs didn’t seem all that important anymore. The dull pain in her stomach was something that she’d become more aware of over the passing moments on her long walk home. Always aching in some form, they progressively got more severe- and she’d read things on the occasion in her holistic magazines about weed helping to ease pain. The baggy itched in her pocket, and by the time she got home she weighed heavy on her feet. Kicking off her shoes, and jumping in the shower she let the hot water wash over her body, a hand subconsciously placed on her lower stomach. Sully’d known about her stomach pains, naturally- severe and sometimes nauseating, she’d always associated it to PMS and later to endometriosis, and she’d never had any reason to question it further; until they became crippling. Twenty minutes later and feeling weak, she jumped out of the shower and let her body air dry.

--------SHE was paranoid and careful when she grabbed the baggy from her purse and wrapped a blanket around her body. She felt very cold- but quickly warmed up as she sparked up the pre-rolled joint with a lighter she’d purchased at the store on the walk home. Swirls of sweet smelling smoke collapsed into the air, dancing circles around her head and the pungent smell filled her bedroom. She carelessly flipped on the fan and cracked open a window, trusting it to push the smell of vintage perfume out of the room. She’d become almost- not addicted to keeping secrets, but they’d certainly become more convenient to have- and she’d rather Sully go without the knowledge of her getting high in their bathroom. Alone, in the dark- and looking quite pathetic. This was almost certainly not going to be a problem, what with her husband’s new found social life and prowess on the dating market. The home felt unspeakably empty, and so did she- but that was generally how life was without her better half. Incomplete and quite unfulfilling. It was something she suspected that she should get use to.

--------IT WAS interesting, because she often questioned what she lived for anyways. Sure, she was exceptionally successful for a girl from her class background and age. She wasn’t totally unfortunate looking and she had a few close friends. She loved her sisters, but at the end of the day, what was she really here for? What was her purpose. She was pretty sure she didn’t have one- not in the sense that she was meant for anything marvelous or stellar- but she was good at loving. Destined to be a mother and a wife from the beginning, at the end of the day she did exist for her husband. He’d taken in her heart and nursed the abandonment and made her able to love, something she might not have ever been able to do if he’d never come along. She’d like to think that in some way, very different she was sure, she’d done the same for him. It was quite ironic how things turned out- she lived for her husband, sure- but she didn’t want to die with out him. More importantly, she didn’t want to die with him rummaging in her wake- an empty shell in the dying waves that once were her life. She’d rather cut the ties, sudden, swift, and unfailing- and that was precisely what she did.

--------THEIR relationship was certainly precarious. Violent, and angry at times, but still even now- there were nights when they would fall asleep in the same bed and wake up in the morning intwined in each others arms. The gesture would go unspoken of, but all but forgotten- and it was these rare moments of affection that kept her pushing on and remembering why she loved him. The thing was, there was no hiding that they were in love, which was what made their living relationship so peculiar and abnormal. A burning went through her stomach sweeping her from her path of near meditation, and she found her eyes wide when she heard rustling downstairs; undeniably, Sully returning home for the night and tripping over her intense shoe pile infront of the door. “Shit” she whispered, scanning the room in a panic for a hiding place to store her narcotics in. She knew there was no escaping it, however- the smell was ruminating and the smoke was thick, and she was high as hell- for better or worse, she’d have to confront this problem in a manner of seconds and she could only throw her body down on the bed in despair. “Fuck my life.”

[/FONT]

--------TAGGED FOR lex.
--------WORD COUNT outrageous.
--------WEARING here.
--------SONG here.
--------NOTES i'm a sukka for loveee.

[/blockquote][/sub][/blockquote][/color]

[sully mccoy]

---COWORKERS' voices had started merging together as sully sat at the head of the table, his sizable shoulders hunched over the desk and one hand absently massaging his temple. he'd lost the chain of conversation some time ago, somewhere around the time the woman to his right was bemoaning the inefficiency of someone in marketing. sullivan was not the best listener at any time, but sitting there, the amalgamation of complaints and propositions, each person vying for his attention and paying no attention to each other, the whole thing was bringing on a migraine. sleeplessness was apparent on the man's face, both in the shadows lurking beneath his eyes and the irritability traced all over his features. clenching and unclenching his fists under the table, sully tried to get himself together, tried to at least appear to be in control. his ever-faithful assistant was sitting to his left, her vaguely mousy face wearing an anxious expression as she watched her boss' attention steadily slipping away from the conference. he hadn't been himself lately, she'd noticed that straight away. his usual cheerfulness had considerably deflated, and what had previously been playful banter had descended into grunts and the occasional yes or no answer. she knew all about the divorce, but he hadn't seemed to be taking it this badly before - sure, he wasn't particularly nice about mrs mccoy, but that was understandable. maybe it had only just hit him.

---AGAINST all his better judgment, sully kept on mulling over all the signs he'd missed. how could he think she was just a little run down? people with cancer aren't just a bit tired, they aren't on a par with overworked wage slaves. he was so fucking stupid. completely ignoring everyone else in the room, sully pulled a notepad onto his lap and started jotting down all the instances he'd noted a change in his wife, and did his very best to come up with excuses as to why they didn't ring out more significant alarm bells to him. millie always overworked herself, and she'd long suffered insomnia. she had always had those stomach pains, but he'd put them down as "one of those things", like a stiff joint or a dodgy knee. he had never been particularly concerned about them, mostly, he mused, because she had reassured him so convincingly. millie had always had the ability to console others. feeling a guilt so black and heavy he thought he might pass out, sully knew he'd had enough. making brief eye-contact with scarlett, his assistant, he pulled the page of paper he'd been scribbling on and crumpled it into a ball as he stood. "look, there's been a lot of... interesting talk today, lots of... good ideas, great insight, you're all... you're all doing a great job," he said, stumbling over his words, convincing no-one, "but i've just remembered i've got a lunch meeting with jane down in hr that i'm late for. thanks for your input everyone, we'll get on... what we were talking about asap." with that sully swept from the room, dropping the crumpled paper ball into the bin on his way out.

---WALKING without losing pace, sully's fingers were swiftly tapping out a message on his iphone. he knew he had to tell scarlett about millie, and he knew that once he did, she'd do all the damage control that his giving himself the day off would make necessary. silently thanking the lord he had such a good support network, that black cloud of guilt hanging over him intensified, because he had so obviously failed in being supporting himself. his own selfishness astounded him, but even now, even in the midst of his realization, he couldn't behave selflessly. he knew he should have already ran to be by millie's side, bringing chocolates (that she wouldn't eat, but still), flowers, teddies and whatever else you give to the sick as a means of acknowledging their burden, but he couldn't. because although he felt guilt, and lots of it, he also felt anger - and right now, he felt even more anger than he felt shame. he was so angry that she hadn't told him, that she had told everyone else, and he was even selfishly angry that he had unwittingly been made to look like such a callous bastard. what would the people at work think when they found out that she had cancer, and all the while her husband was badmouthing her and flirting with fitness instructors? the mere idea made him feel sick to his stomach. but what angered him more than all of that combined was the simple fact that millie, his millie, was sick.

---HEADING out the office at a considerable speed for someone with an impending surgical procedure on their knee, sully silently willed every person he passed to get millie's cancer. why wasn't it any of them? he knew that some of them deserved it more than she did, just from the few drinks he'd shared with them or the business deals he knew they'd done on his behalf. he knew they lacked millie's tenderness and her selflessness, he knew that they weren't as beautiful as her in any sense. even when he was willing the terrible affliction on perfect strangers he felt confident that they couldn't compare with her, given that no one he'd ever met could. he got in a taxi and thought about going home, but the idea didn't sit well and before he could think the name of his favorite bar was tumbling out of his mouth like verbal vomit. was this really what it had come to? was staring into a glass really preferable to confronting/comforting his terminally ill wife? it was in the confronting vs. comforting debate that his discomfort arose. he wanted to scream at millie and give her hell for what she put him through, but he knew he was supposed to comfort her for what she was going through. it wasn't that he didn't want to do the latter, he did, but every time he thought seriously about putting moving that thought from intention to action, he came up against that big brick wall of rage. he was just so, so furious. realizing the cab had slowed to a stop, sully startled slightly, before handing the driver a fifty and getting out without his change.

---TWO hours and four scotches later, sullivan was ready. he was going to confront that bitch, he was going to let her know what a fucking psycho she was for not telling him sooner. his intoxication may have only been slight, but it was enough for him to stifle his guilt and misplace all his anger onto her. minutes later he was in another cab, and though with every passing street his uneasiness grew and his anger subsided, there was still enough for him to suck it up and march up to his front door. scrambling with the keys, he eventually got himself in, that familiar homely scent hitting him at once though it was closely followed by that new lonely atmosphere the house had adopted. stumbling again as he took a few steps, he swore quietly, rolling his eyes at his wife's shoe collection. taking a moment to collect himself, sully got himself suitably riled up, and he stormed upstairs to fulfill his aim of giving millie a good talking to. the moment he saw her, however, guilt completely overtook anger in such a sudden rush of emotion that he thought it might floor him. she was on the bed, laying still and looking so frail, every bit the lost girl he knew she was. closing the gap between them with but a few steps, sully lay on the bed next to her and hugged her more tightly than he'd ever hugged her before, possibly too tightly. she smelt fresh and clean and he regretted the fact he probably smelt like scotch and he didn't want to let her go and he didn't want to say anything and he didn't know what to say, words stopped meaning anything, and she was so soft and she was so wonderfully familiar and was that a new perfume? slowly recognizing that smell and noting the smoke, sully finally let go, sitting up on the bed. "are you blazed?" he asked, bemusement written all over his face.

---

OUTFIT hereeee.
MUSIC jeff buckley.
NOTES little known fact, i suck.

[/sub]

[millie mccoy .]

KID, IT'S BETTER THAT WAY .
TRY TO AVOID ALL THE LINES,
BUT I CAN'T HAVE YOU STAY .

YOU CAN'T KEEP RUNNING.
THERE IS NO PLACE TO GO.

[/I][/center]

--------MILLIE had a tendency for avoidance that was textbook and yet entirely unique in it’s own right. This trait wasn’t something that was exactly new to her. One thing she had definitely been lacking in a business but also personal respect was the ability to really put her foot down. It was partially her fault; things never went her way because she didn’t have much ability to communicate the various points she wanted to get across, so there were always corrections to be made. “Whatever” and “nevermind” were famous terms in her vocabulary, because they were easy escapes from conversations that she didn’t want to indulge in.

--------IT HAD not been as difficult to lie to Sully as she would have expected. She found this confusing and challenging because she’d always been such an Honest Abe. However, all thoughts were soon pushed aside because she found it soothing to just ignore it all together. Mille felt as if she lived a very menial life. From a very young age she had everything that a person could ever aspire to acquire; most importantly, love. She had hobbies and became masterful at them and was lucky enough to turn her hobby into a career, but it became an enigma of it’s own. A surrogate child, Millie’s business did become her lifeline. It would have been appropriate, had Millie not been the person that she was. Being obsessive, passionate, and neurotic about finances had allowed her career to swallow her life; and there was no room for anything else between that and her own personal problems. This menial life that she lived, had really stopped her from living entirely. Never had she traveled, done anything exciting- except for college, gone swimming in the ocean. Coming to terms with her own mortality was a shock something insane. If she lied to herself, was she lying to Sully was well? People often nagged at Millie for being so- overbearing. She helped everyone, and made sure that everyone, anyone really- was taken care of. And they say take a break- and they say, go on vacation, and they say we don’t need your help, but they did. She couldn’t bear to resist help, anymore than she could bare to admit she had cancer, or she could bare to lose her husband. She kicked her blankets off quickly, taking a deep breath through half-lidded eyes.

--------SHE heard his footsteps up the stairs matching the pitter-patter of her heart. This wasn’t just out of fear, but also from the zsa zsa zsu- the butterflies that lived in her stomach and forever flew for her first and last love and always made themselves known in times of his presence. She didn’t want to argue tonight- hell, she didn’t want to argue any night. Millie was not notably aggressive, but Sully was the worst type of person to get in an argument with. Crass and sarcastic, he always brought out the worst in her which was often spastic and unpredictable. The worst of it had probably taken place on their “honeymoon” where a misunderstanding on plans quickly turned into something ferocious. At one point “allegedly”, by some miraculous work of god that Millie certainly had no association with, a curling iron flew out of her hands and made it’s contact with her new husbands head. To this day she had no idea how such a thing could happen. Truthfully, she was exhausted with him which was entirely her fault. His frustration and anger was solely caused by herself, and she needed to learn how to accept that- but for tonight, she just wanted to sit in peace. When he appeared in the door way, her heart skipped a beat and she was quick to speak. “Please keep your comments to yourself, Sullivan. I beg of you.”

--------HIS stride was long as he stepped towards her, crawling into bed next to her. Comfortable and plush, she wondered how many hours they’d spent together under white sheets throughout the years. Certainly never enough, she concluded. When he put his arms around her she was taken aback. Sometimes things got like this- uncomfortably affectionate when the divorce was forgotten and things were as close to normal as they could ever be again- but not lately and never like this. Warm and sincere, she found this extremely out of character for her husband as harsh as it may sound. He was stubborn, and he was resentful, and he was not the type to back down from an argument, especially after the conversations they’d been having lately. She really didn’t know what to do. He felt right in her arms even though they were fixed in an uncomfortable position. She was so tired and she wanted nothing more than to let him hold her until she fell asleep but it wouldn’t happen. His body weight engulfed her body and his head sit close to her neck and she wanted to let herself get lost in the moment, but she couldn’t because it wasn’t right. She could not keep doing this. Dragging him along on a thread in every which direction knowing that all paths led to nowhere- and yeah, she was in love. Truly, madly, deeply so- but it was only for that reason that she spare him the plain of knowing all her dirty laundry. Cut the thread, separate.

--------BUT still she couldn't let go.

--------SO HE made the move for her. His weight lifted off her, and she didn’t bother to comment on the heavy smell of alcohol on his breath. Hell, had she not been so tired, and had she actually been a drinker, she would have found herself in a blackout state as soon as the opportunity was made available. His comment about the smell was inevitable, and she took it in great stride. “Oh, please.” She commented coldly, putting distance between them as she arose off the bed. Was she blazed? Was she ever- but she was a little embarrassed and a lot uncomfortable and avoid avoid avoid at all costs. She grabbed the still-smoldering taste of heaven off her nightstand and walked to the window she’d opened before. Tossing the pot into the bushes below, she stated coyly “You know I don’t smoke.” and left it at that, as if it’d never happened. She ran her fingers through her hair nervously before turning around to face her soon-to-be ex. “What’s gotten into you?” She hadn’t expected him home this early, obviously, and wasn’t even sure if she wanted to be there now that he’d returned. She couldn’t help but wonder where he’d been, other than the bar which was clear. He was dressed, and she was not, and he was great and she was not. She took a step towards him, but didn't get too close. The temperature in the room was still tepid, but if his temper was flaring, she had other places to be.

[/FONT]

--------TAGGED FOR lex.
--------WORD COUNT outrageous.
--------WEARING here.
--------SONG here.
--------NOTES i am sorry if this seems really scattered.

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[sully mccoy]

---THERE was a heady quality to the air that afternoon. it had been warm enough for the past few weeks, a pleasant warmth that wasn't overwhelming but helped the days tick by without much strain, the sunshine bathing the city in a golden glow. it made the daily grind that bit more tolerable, and was particularly helpful to a man with so many dark clouds following him around personally. others might be irritated by the disparity between their own psyche and their surroundings, by the lack of pathetic fallacy. but despite sullivan's stubbornness, he was actually rather easily influenced. it took but a word or two from a stranger for him to re-evaluate things - he didn't even need to trust the stranger much, he'd even taken words of advice from such unreliable sources as billboards and reviews in publications he didn't like. so the sunny weather was an almost overwhelmingly positive influence on the man, so much so that he could spend much of his days pretending he wasn't going through a messy divorce, even occasionally managing to forget that millie was unwell, and sometimes that deep sense of hollowness that he felt at being childless. his mom had been on good form, or had at least been much better than he'd seen her be for a while now, and things were generally positive. but the cracks in his little bubble of delusion were starting to show. the sky was heavy with the threat of rain, and with the torrential downpour his mirage of a peaceful life would be washed away. he glanced upwards towards the clouds, his stomach weighted with dread.

---SULLY took it as a sign of turbulence ahead, an omen that wasn't particularly hard to read when he was both the augur and the driving force behind his fate. if he felt like confrontation was ahead, that was because he was sure as hell going to kick some up - millie, on the other hand, mostly had to play things by ear, playing the soothsayer herself by watching out for small signs of how her husband was to behave next. she was incredibly adept at this. millie knew, and sully knew that she knew with some frustration, that he would come over very grave for a few days if he was itching to get in a fight. she knew that his silences, that any surplus hours spent at the gym, were clear signs that a storm was brewing. but she was also tuned in to the smaller giveaways, things no one else seemed to percieve. he ate less, for example, when he was preoccupied with some obsessive train of thought, or he would retreat into an even more formulaic style of dress than his usual when he was anxious. small changes that were imperceptible even to him, millie noticed and made appropriate preparations for. this was exactly the opposite with sully, who even now was constantly surprised by even the most routine examples of his wife's behavior. if it had been sully's body riddled with even the vaguest hint of disease, he knew millie would have sniffed it out before he'd noticed anything being wrong.

---AND so he knew that, should she be listening out, the weight and speed of his steps up the stairs would be a surefire giveaway that he was gunning for a fight. in a way there was something poetic about this, poetic because he could feel his relationship being torched with conflict when that's exactly how the flame of their relationship had been ignited in the first place. it had come full circle. the night sully had first met his wife-to-be they had been in a bar, and she had been a very different person to the person she was now. he supposed he'd changed too. thinking about it, he was much more like his younger brother back in those days, back when he was the age his brother was now. he used to positively itch with a desire to get into some sort of trouble, and at that point, the idea of having kids and being married in a few short years struck the fear of god into him. but there was the younger version of himself, vivid in his memory. he had insisted on buying millie (who wasn't, he grinned at the thought, anywhere near as wasted as he had been) a drink, and her boyfriend had, not unfairly, taken offense at this. particularly when sully had gone on to question how he got a girl so beautiful as millie. needless to say things kicked off, and it blew his mind to think that such a chaotic occasion could have led to what had been, for a while at least, such a picture postcard partnership. what was that old cliche about starting as you mean to finish?

---AS he had expected, millie had indeed expected his temper, and had prepared herself with a plea for peace. softened by this and by her frail appearance, that malleable side of his character manifested itself as he exhaled deeply, letting a lot of his resentment slip away. he felt physically lighter for it. he'd been so angry for so long that he had effectively forgotten that it was his love for her from which most of his feelings of betrayal stemmed from, and he'd managed to maintain an emotional distance for a stretch of time that was not very much in keeping with his character. he couldn't even begin to imagine how isolated she must have felt, shouldering that affliction as well as his scorn for weeks, even months now. he tried in vain to put all his old warmth and reliability into that one hug. but he couldn't help feeling a bit conflicted at her pseudo-confession. millie and illicit substances just did not seem to sit well together. millie, who was prone to unintentionally coming across as rather holier-than-thou when it came to toxins and my-body-is-a-temple philosophy, smoking weed? he supposed it was harmless, and he remembered with fresh pain that it was something some cancer sufferers did to lessen their pain. was it really that bad? he didn't know where to start, opening and closing his mouth wordlessly with every fresh and destined to fail sentence his brain generated. his silence encouraged her to switch the questioning around, and he allowed it, wanting to give himself a chance to ask her about it with some eloquence and not the clumsiness he would undoubtedly display in this instance. but now he was stuck as to how to respond to her new, vague question. he shrugged, but realized there was no use mincing his words. "millie, i know what's going on. you should have told me," he said, his voice loaded with defeat.

---

STATUS finished.
OUTFIT hereeee.
MUSIC beethoven/jeff buckley.
NOTES this failed hardcore!

[/sub]

[millie mccoy .]

KID, IT'S BETTER THAT WAY .
TRY TO AVOID ALL THE LINES,
BUT I CAN'T HAVE YOU STAY .

YOU CAN'T KEEP RUNNING.
THERE IS NO PLACE TO GO.

[/I][/center]

--------THERE was only a small lamp illuminating the room and casting the softest yellow glow on the shadow of her soon to be ex-husband. she couldn't help but look at him skeptically. he looked worn. overdressed, but not uncommon for a day full of business meetings (please let him have said the right things), and frankly a little dark. the air in the room was notably more heavy. this distinct change in atmosphere was something that fallowed the two around on any given day and caused a great bit of discomfort between mutual friends and co-workers alike. the rumor mill at their various franchise locations was constantly turning with the what's new update on millie and sully mccoy's divorce and relationship dramarama. millie didn't blame the rumors, although did hold grudges against certain employees that spread them. after all, this was insane. literally. they were divorced. they were sleeping in the same bed. they couldn't stand to be around each other. they worked together. their relationship was over. they looked at each other longingly from across the room. it was a nightmare that she hated, but loved at the same time and was struggling to break away. the alcohol was hardly something that crossed her mind as abnormal or unusual in regards to his intoxicated state. to her distate, sully'd always had a taste for alcohol and all she could do was lecture about how terrible it was for his kidneys and pump him full of natural cleansers.


--------MILLIE truly was a creature of habit. she found comfort in rutein and the surity of what was around the next corner. she hated the surprised and the unexpected and the unknown and always had, and there for progressed in life as prepared and cautious as possible. in a sense, her habits had become her. her rutein, her fast paced lifestyle- it was as much millie as was strawberry lipgloss and rebock tennis shoes. with out her it was nothing, and with out it she was nothing. she debated closing the window for just a moment, before choosing to leave it open. she leaned carefully on the edge of the sill, staring at the dark carpet she'd always wanted to replace but never gotten around to. she didn't want to look at him because she didn't know what to say. always wanting to make the perfect move, play out the situation to the most efficient way possible, every day with sully was the epitome of what she hated- the unknown. so all she could do is let him lead, and where he did she would fallow just as she always had. if he wanted to talk about something, she would talk. if he wanted to fight, she'd give him one, and if he wanted to smile, she'd give him something to laugh at. in a sense, she sort of found comfort in the almost submissive position she took to her husband. certainly millie was independent; she'd built a great business with help, bought a home, had a mostly successful marrige- she was living the american dream. still, she was helplessly dependent on him. she'd always been insecure not with her looks or personality, but with knowing that she was good enough for him and that things were going to be alright. coming to terms with the fact that things might not be alright ever again was overwhelming.

--------SIX months ago she would have never seen this coming. they were happy, comfortable, successful, and in love. she'd finally felt financially secure and sure enough to have children of her own. this was no small leap or bound- always the god mother and never the mother herself, millie was a sucker for kids. it was only natural, considering her maternal instinct when it came to her sisters and essentially every other human being or animal on the planet. her own personal demonds reguarding her mothers sudden departure on her childhood kept her unfailingly cautious and careful when it came to having kids with sully. but they'd talked about it, and she'd always wanted it. true to form, she'd made a doctors appointment before confroting her husband with her agreement that yes, now was the time to have a little mullie of their own. what started off as some simple fertility tests turned into ultra sounds and biopsies and the news over the phone that we got the results, but it doesn't look good. she found herself wondering just what type of cancer looked appealing to the eye. the treatment was quite typical, her doctor assured her; removal of the tumor (which in this case meant her left ovary) and chemotherapy, and crossed fingers from there. what lay behind the veil terrorized her; woul she die. could she have kids. would she loose her hair? could she keep working? what if she died? what would happen to her family, racing thoughts a thousand miles an hour and no where to escape. so she ignored it. she ignored the entire situation as if it were dirty dishes and not a life-threatening illness. every now and then the thought would trace into her mind, but she was terrified and scared and so unsure of what to do.

--------HER eyes snapped up, because he spoke; and when he did it was usually something of great importants, to her if not to anyone else. expecting something quite profound and interesting, her expectations were met but still in a very unexpected way. part of her knew this would happen, and in fact wanted it to happen. for how many times millie'd heard it from doctors, she hadn't said the words alloud: i have cancer. i could die. she couldn't muster the gumption to admit it to herself, and could hardly pathom telling anyone she was close to. when she told simba it had been with the anticipation that he'd tell sully. while it was heartless and it was cold, it was what she chose to do. i know whats going on. and he did- she could see it in his eyes, a mixture of deep hurt and attempted compassion and concern and anger. there was a whirlwind. her body froze and maybe time did too, it was hard to connect with what was going on at that moment. she must have been raging with hormones, adreniline- anything because she was terrified and she was mortified and she was not supposed to be here.

--------MILLIE had to sit down. just for a minute because her head was spinning and the world was moving and the walls were coming in on her. breathe. breathe. breathe, inhale air in and exhale air out but no matter how hard or how deep in she would breathe, her body was never satisfied. her weight was stedilly ballenced with ease against the wall. she averted sullys glance to keep her conciousness and felt incredibly useless. never before had she felt as if she had been such a substantial disappointment. she was a liar. she was selfish. she was heartless and cruel. the sorrow in her chest was deep and weighted and she'd never felt so many different emotions in her life. still, she didn't cry even though she wanted to so terribly because this was her fault. she was in the wrong and she needed to accept that and face it. what was she supposed to day? she doubted she could choke anything out even if she could and she still couldn't look at him. goosebumps covered the skin on her arms; she'd been caught in the biggest charade she'd ever heard of and hadn't truly ever anticipated an ending. "i-" the word came out soft and barely audible. she hadn't intended on speaking but the word came out and after was a great pause. there were so many things to say, so many options that could apply to the basis of her sentence and none was the best to select and none would be good enough. she couldn't recall a time ever feeling so anxious, so hot and with no escape but she couldn't run away. she had to speak, spit out the words and still she couldn't do it. she gave him a quick glance with desperate eyes looking for help and guidence but not being able to handle him- all that he was and all that she wasn't. she'd ruined them, in more ways than one and for that she was "i'm so sorry." and she looked away.

[/FONT]

--------TAGGED FOR lex.
--------WORD COUNT outrageous.
--------WEARING here.
--------SONG here.
--------NOTES this is shit but fabulous post <3

[/blockquote][/sub][/blockquote][/color]

[sully mccoy]

---SUDDENLY aware of his suit, as if the tailored fabric had magically wrapped itself around his limbs and cocooned him without his noticing, sully felt overdressed. it was difficult not to feel overdressed in the face of someone who had just showered, true, but he knew he'd have felt overdressed even if she'd been fully clothed. pulling his jacket off and chucking it onto the chair he always left his clothes on, he also took the opportunity to pull his shirt out from his trousers. he was surprised to find that he felt no less uncomfortable, but given that this was the sort of discomfort that wormed its way into the very core of his being, he probably shouldn't have been. he wished he'd been the one to smoke up, the very thought bringing him back to his high school years. sullivan had always secretly felt cheated of the college experience, sure that he'd have relished hazy summer afternoons on the lawn and blurry, buzzing nights filled with girls and weed and fumbling to pay the pizza guy. but in reality sully had turned down a place at harvard, and as a teenager he'd felt that all he would be missing out on was high blood pressure and papercuts. yet again his tendency to see things only in their black-and-white, polarized forms had held him back, much as it was going to get in the way of any plans for a successful reconciliation with his wife.

---BECAUSE sully was like a child scorned. just as a kid might overturn the title of favorite teacher and instate the replacement of 'most loathed' over a matter so trivial as some extra homework, sully was quick to remove people from his good books and jot them into his bad ones. the most frustrating part of this habit was that it was not so easily reversed - if the names in his good books were pencil on paper, the names in his bad ones were carved into stone. for most people the revelation of a loved one being unwell would bring an overwhelming amount of empathy with it, and maybe the slightest touch of selfish dissatisfaction. but that was the problem, for sully the empathy truly was overwhelming in its most literal sense. it washed over him like a tsunami, lifting him off the ground and leaving him unable to find his feet. he was drowning. millie had always been the one to look after him, how could those tables be turned? the whole experience was jarringly reminiscent of the first signs of his mother's illness, and that made him utterly incapable of coping. gina mccoy had always been a sharp woman, but it was all too easy for sully to ignore this defining trait of his mother's when her memory started to slip. the fact that she'd impart the same information to him repeatedly over a space of mere minutes, as if it were fresh every time, was easily dismissed. the fact she forgot their birthdays (who doesn't slip up now and then?) was something he'd laughed off. but slowly things got worse and worse, and before his denial had a chance to catch up with him sully had found his mother wandering the beach, having completely forgotten her home address.

---THERE had been warning signs with millie too, obvious warning signs, warnings that people at work had been flagging up to him for months now. her persistent illness, her almost crippling pain, these would have been obvious to any other. but for a man who had spent so long making conscious decisions to ignore the undesirable elements of his life that he'd internalized the process, it had been the easiest thing in the world to continue on as normal. but the elephant in the room had swelled and swelled to the point that even sully was finding it difficult to breathe. in some ways sully had thought a child would sort it, subscribed to that age-old belief that shared genetics was the solution to any and all relationship problems. of course it transpired that their very childlessness was not an opportunity to bridge a steadily increasing gap, but a prime manifestation of what was driving them apart. he longed for the simplistic view to which he used to whole-heartedly adhere himself. the various shades of gray between the black and white he used to see were disorientating and he felt them to be unnecessarily complicated, even though it transpired that they were quite obviously necessary. yet again he'd slipped into some sort of denial. her apology was so brief and so insubstantial that it only fed into his ability to deny, deny, deny what was going on, and he nodded shortly as if she had been apologizing for leaving the milk out. the intensity of the situation was much too much for the man, and his brain immediately went into defense mode, trying to protect him from the emotional damage that this conversation was sure to ensue. better to postpone, he decided.

---AND there it was, as easy as that. the window for conversation about this had closed adn sullivan was in no great rush to reopen it - in fact, he was doing everything he could to escape from the situation. his change of heart was clear to see on his face. it was as if the wrinkles he'd gained from all the stress and worry had simply fallen out, a casual smile finding its way to his face as if it had any true reason to be there. "i'm starving," he said, the previous weight in his voice miraculously a thing of the past. "i might grab a kfc, want some?" with those two words sully knew he had slipped up, the charade exposing itself in this minor way. ordinarily, he would never dream of even offering her deep fried fast food, knowing all too well it would prompt a lecture he'd heard a hundred times. his performance in the role of nonchalant husband was unconvincing, but he didn't want to give up the game just yet. ignoring his obvious mistake, sully picked his jacket up and felt around for his car keys, though he was most likely still inebriated enough to send a breathalyzer into a frenzy. "i think we might be out of milk, too, so i'll pick some up," he hesitated, feeling like he needed to say something else but not wanting it to be anything that would weigh down his mock-civility, "in fact i'll have scarlett forward me a grocery list, i know i had one going with her." far from proud of himself for his cowardice, sully made to leave the room, praying she wouldn't pursue it.

---

STATUS finished.
OUTFIT hereeee.
MUSIC whatever bs my housemate is playing.
NOTES CANNOT BELIEVE HOW LONG THIS TOOK. you should just shoot me.

[/sub]

[millie mccoy .]

KID, IT'S BETTER THAT WAY .
TRY TO AVOID ALL THE LINES,
BUT I CAN'T HAVE YOU STAY .

YOU CAN'T KEEP RUNNING.
THERE IS NO PLACE TO GO.

[/I][/center]

--------THE relationship that milagros and sully held, while always tumultuous, had never been quite so angst-driven. there had been a time not so very long ago when they had been quite in love. this time was still ruminating in the present for millie, although the showing of affection had been numbed throughout the months. she could close her eyes and remember times of such happiness; attending silly formalities like university dances, going for runs on the pacific beach together- just living and being in love. the picture that was painted before her had turned more vile than the romantic rococo picture perfect painting they had created for themselves. even after college, things were still good- better, eve. there was a new sense of maturity about their relationship that millie found not only exciting but satisfying. she had been contest, and happier than ever. even now, she wasn't quite as miserable as she might have appeared. it was not in millie's nature to be pessimistic or unhappy; but she was desperate. she was exasperated, and she was hungry for someone to tell her the way to go. always playing the feminist, she'd been independent of her husband financially since the start of their relationship, and while he rarely offered advice, she even more rarely took to it. she was too proud to admit that she needed him to tell her what to do. she needed him to lead the way- knowing that if he didn't, no one else would step up to the plate and handle the responsibility. millie had family, she had clients and even a few friends, but with out sully she was totally and completely alone. however now, he standing there with his tired eyes and his familiar figure- she felt like she was drowning.


--------HE he looked unforgivably attractive. this was quite the norm for sully- but millie was a strange character and found not one look more appealing on a man than that of a day of hard work. his clothes hung off of his body in exhaustion, and in her head she saw a peaceful image. she was approaching him. she was placing her small, tan hands with narrow fingers on his shoulders, slipping them into the lapel of his sports jacket. she was pealing the fabric from his physique and running her palms down his strong arms; cut, but not too bulky. she was winding fingers in-between buttons and button holes, with every snap unfastened another inch of his chest exposed. she was pressing her lips against the skin of his neck and taking in the taste of his salty-sweet skin. most importantly, however; he was letting her. he didn't pull away, didn't protest, didn't complain. there was no space between them, and distance was unheard of.


--------BUT she was daydreaming. what she pictured was not reality, and before she could blink sully had already accomplished what she'd done in her mind himself. she felt deflated. millie had always been quite the sensitive little bunny. while on the outside she appeared incredibly strong, there was a soft nougat center to millie that very few had ever seen. sully was naturally one of those people- along with an old best friend she'd held dear until there were some painful allegations against her- amelia had been her name, and a boyfriend of millie's at the time. thinking back on the memory with a painful wince, she was thankful in spite of it all, that she'd married sully and not her cheating ex.

--------LOOKING at him now, the guilt was overwhelming. millie had never wanted things to turn out like this. how deeply she longed for life to be like it was in the beginning. easy, comfortable, and most importantly, right. she was a simple girl, one who based her success in her marriage and her family. not only had she sordidly failed sullivan, but she'd also failed herself. she avoided her reflection in the mirror, because she couldn't stand to see what she'd become. she didn't dare say her mother, because she knew that wasn't the case. there were differences immense between the two. however, there was a sickly familiar sense of carme seranno in the air whenever millie walked into the room. both shared similar qualities; facts withheld from millie by her father for her sanity and for his peace. both, tall and thin beauties with thick ambition, and a tendency of running from lifes challenges. caught in a struggle between what was easy, and what was right, millie had become what she had hated most- her mother.

--------SHE was stuck in a perpetual state of anxious behavior because this situation had spun completely out of her control- and not just in this moment. her head was so light it was as if she was almost flying, and a part of her wished she was. how much easier things would be if she had a pair of wings. she could simply stretch, spread, and fly away from discussing anything further. but naturally, it was this sort of experiential avoidance that had caused millie to become entrapped in this painful situation in the first place.

--------SHE ruminated in the irony of her situation and stifled an extremely inappropriate laugh. millie had always been meticulous about her health. her body was flawless. exorcize- specifically running had become an escape to her through out the years, and in true millie fashion her escape had become her life. it was really so much more than that, though. she'd eaten healthy, resisted taking anti-biotics, and had even gone as far as to inject herself with b12 vitamin shots on weeks that were to prove to be particularly challenging. it was truly unusual that she of all people had become inflicted with any sort of illness. she'd been on top of the world, she'd had it all- and with two anxious waiting room sits it all came crumbling down in an epic fashion. she knew that her stomach hurt, but her high made the pain seem much less important. was she really this fragile? was she really this breakable? always someone who relied more on fact, even the most accurate proof could not cause her to fully believe that she was.

--------BUT still the world spun madly on. she knew this, just as she knew sully slept with his feet peeking out of the bed sheets at night and just as she knew that the man she called her husband could never ingest anything short of 40 proof alcohol. regardless, there was still a large part of her that had expected things to stop- if not slow down just a little bit. carrying on this fast paced way of life, was really wearing on millie. while people keep telling her to rest, to take a break- the demands of time, effort, spirit only kept increasing. millie was this intensity, however. she was this ferocity, she was this insanity- even if people didn't want to recognize it. she wasn't the type to vacation. for one, she hated flying; she hated travel. she hated tourists, and hated being lazy. she loved the beach but hated hot weather- and while she could go for a deep tissue massage once or twice a year, nothing sounded more unpleasant than taking a two week leave from the business she called her home to lounge and be unproductive. throughout the past few weeks, her views on life had taken a violent change. she'd become more concious of what a mistake it had been to withhold this secret from sully, but as per usual her fear took control of her actions.

--------HER awkward and throaty laugh hung silently in the air for a few moments, but echoed loudly in her head. it was a harsh gesture, one she found unexpected, and even seconds after it escapes her lips, she was still standing there shocked. what was wrong with her? how could she laugh at this, when it was clearly the most unfunny thing to ever come across her path. caught in a web of emotion, she felt her eyes well up with heavy tears. the sadness that encompassed her body was unsuspected and confusing. her face twisted in anguish, it took her a few moments to realize just exactly what had happened; she'd hurt her own feelings. she drew a heavy breath from the air in attempts to subdue the tears that balanced on the cusp of her lids, not wanting to swing a bias on the situation. she'd affected too much of sully's life already; the last thing she wanted was to put any unnessicary sway on his emotions. he deserved to feel what he needed to feel- just as millie deserved to suffer in silence. however, it was soon cut with the sounds of sully's deep voice and she was deflated. no person on the earth brought millie as much pain and pleasure as her husband- although it'd mostly been pain as of late. no one could cut her like him- not even close. even his smallest and most passive actions were like knives in her heart, and none too strong as this persona dig or sorts. out of all the things he could have done to her in this moment, none was neither as severe or as heart wrenching as him turning his back away from her. so that was it? he was just going to leave- like that with little reward or consequence, little solace in the household. at first she didn't believe it- how could he just walk out on her like this, a mess and feeling quite weak and unwell- and for all things fried chicken?

--------AND she started to cry, because it had all become much too much. then she started to cry harder- mostly out of embarrassment but also hurt and shock and she didn't want to play this card. she wasn't this weak person- only really she was. the half a person that lived inside her heart was deeply unhappy, and now more alone than ever. it didn't take a genius to see that millie had issues with abandonment, and in this moment she was watching life repete itself. here was someone she loved- more than anything looking her in the eye, and walking away from her. she found a sort of sick humor in it- or would have, had it been a different time. it was funny how the important people in her life found themselves overwhelmed with her hurricane, and escaped in her fury. only she didn't want this- not for him, not for them, and not for her. please don't go.

[/i] the words were incredibly sad and barely audible, but powerful enough to last for centuries.

[/BLOCKQUOTE][/COLOR]
[/FONT]

--------TAGGED FOR lex.
--------WORD COUNT outrageous.
--------WEARING here.
--------SONG here.
--------NOTES this is shit but fabulous post <3

[/blockquote][/sub][/blockquote][/color]

[sully mccoy]

---SULLY mccoy was an extremely spoiled child. born the first son of a hotel empire, sully was as close to royalty as american culture allowed - though he'd never allowed himself to succumb to media attention. the most media coverage he and his siblings had ever had was when he and oliver got in a very public and very violent fight outside a nightclub once three or four years ago, but generally his father was good at keeping on top of tabloid gossip. he was no household name, no paris hilton. but that privilege still tended to rear its ugly head now and then. sully was used to things happening for him and was entirely unused to taking care of himself, and though gina and benjamin instilled some sensibility within their children by means of forcing them into business (at least, this had worked for sullivan and daphne - ollie was proving a harder nut to crack) sully hadn't had quite as rough a ride as many start up businesses do. this was thanks to the two woman at the very centre of his life, his wife, and his assistant, scarlett. from day one he'd completely relied on the two of them for all tasks, ranging from the very mundane to the very serious, and even when he took responsibility for certain actions it was under the heavy influence and support of those two women.

---IN light of this, it would be natural for him to turn to scarlett in this time of crisis, no? but the fact was that, should sully have asked her what to do in this situation, he knew that she would have told him to stand by millie and put everything on hold for her. he just wasn't ready to change his lifestyle. a lot of his resentment for her over the divorce was down to that disruption, he liked his life, and he didn't want to change it. he enjoyed having a fairly easy ride at work, he enjoyed sharing a few drinks with scarlett or one of the guys on the way home, and he liked casually flirting with girls in bars with simba before the two of them would drop the bombshell that they had wives. he loved the expression on girls' faces at this news, and he loved catching women looking at his wedding finger. he enjoyed being allowed the freedom to go out with his friends and even more so, he enjoyed having a beautiful girl at home waiting for him. more than that, a soulmate waiting for him. he loved his life. this life wasn't something he had signed up for, and unlike all the other obstacles he'd overcome in his life, this one wasn't going to be solved by means of him throwing money at it. he was at an utter loss.

---THE house was eerily quiet, and it was making him uneasy. sully had the rather environment-unfriendly habit of turning on as many lights as possible when home, not liking the excessive amount of space he and millie had to knock around in. if lights were off it was too much of a reminder of how unoccupied the majority of the house was, and he'd even been known to purposefully turn televisions and radios on in empty rooms. though he never verbalized it in such literal language, there was a real emptiness in sully's life. he was a father figure to so many people, and though this used to bring him all the paternal obligation he could handle, more and more over the past year he'd felt the need to have his own family. sully remembered that he hadn't turned the hall light on when he came in, and the darkness beyond their bedroom was immediately oppressive. he was afraid of stepping out and leaving her behind, as if by doing so he'd be enacting a living metaphor, abandoning her submerge himself in darkness for the rest of his days. the borderline melodramatic gravitas this one step possessed for sully was enough to stop him in his tracks, though again, he didn't want his hesitation to be apparent.

---WHY was he so preoccupied with putting up an uncaring exterior? the only face he could imagine being justified in this situation would be one of strength, he liked to imagine himself putting on a brave front so that his wife, his poor poor wife, could lean on him for as much support as possible without feeling as though she was a burden. but instead, he was pretending to-- was this really what was happening? was he really offering his cancer-suffering wife a bucket of fried chicken and an empty bed at night? he felt like an absolute monster. the penny was only now starting to drop that he didn't have a right to be selfish right now, that millie's needs were so much more important. it was the most gut-wrenching realization he'd ever had, even more gut-wrenching than when he'd first heard of her condition. it struck him that he actually knew very little of what was going on with her in terms of the cancer, he didn't even know the kind or how far it had progressed. he was seized by fear, frozen to the spot, unable to think of anything but the worst case scenario. he wanted to rush back and to pick her up, to hug her so tightly she'd stop breathing for a second, but he was so afraid of hurting her that he thought merely standing too close to her might do her some damage. how had his beautiful, strong millie become so frail?

---UNABLE to turn back and face her, sully willed himself to gather up enough courage to say something. her words sunk in slowly at first, but hit him right in the chest. before he could convince himself to run away, he rounded on her. the unfamiliar sight of millie in tears was one so profoundly confusing and so very, very distressing that at first he didn't know what to do, but in a heartbeat he was by her side, his voice a soothing whisper. "shhh, millie, shhh," he whispered, kissing her on her forehead and crouching beside her, "i'm not going here, don't cry baby, please don't cry!" he ran a hand through her hair, rubbing his nose against hers in an eskimo kiss. a smile broke out across his face as he naturally slipped into protective mode, wanting to put up a strong front for her. "don't worry gorgeous, we'll get through this. with me involved cancer doesn't stand a chance!" he pulled her up to her feet, holding her in that tight hug he had been craving - though he managed not to suffocate her. sitting down on the bed, he led her over so that she was standing in front of him. "honestly millie, i'm sorry i haven't been around, but i'm going to be from now on. you'll be sick of me before long!" he joked weakly, the smile still on his face.

---

STATUS finished.
OUTFIT hereeee.
MUSIC family guy. embarrassing.
NOTES i'm so sorry this was such fail!

[/sub]

[millie mccoy .]

KID, IT'S BETTER THAT WAY .
TRY TO AVOID ALL THE LINES,
BUT I CAN'T HAVE YOU STAY .

YOU CAN'T KEEP RUNNING.
THERE IS NO PLACE TO GO.

[/I][/center]

--------NEVER could she recall a time of such hopelessness in her life. deep in her heart she lay assured that never again would she feel such a sense of loss- that this moment was the end all and be all of tragedy; and the pain did cut just as harshly. she felt a sort of detachment from reality- it'd been happening a lot lately, most often when she sit at her desk and watch the gym thrive and progress, moving at a fast pace while she just sit and watch in awe. this sense of depersonalization left her very much out of tune to the moment. even though sully had stopped in his tracks, afraid to venture in the dark, millie had already taken the plunge into blackness herself. millie could really only recall crying twice in the past ten years- once when she lost her virginity, and again when some faulty footwork caused her to take a nasty spill during a 15k race, which resulted in a broken ankle- but even that had been three years ago, atleast. to say that it was out of character is no longer relevant; for millie, in a sense had lost her concept of person. now, more than ever was she doing the unexpected, surprising everyone but mostly herself.

--------SHE found herself overcome with random waves of powerful energy. for the past few months, probably longer she'd had to be on edge with her husband at any given time. always waiting for the perfect opportunity to say something, one thing she could hold to was the fact that their conversations never ended, or usually even got to what they'd intended to talk about. rather this was intentional by the both of them; an excuse to have another conversation or not, was in the midst of the stars. she truly felt as if their relationship had been volatile- atleast on her end. millie simply wasn't like sully. curious, because they were so similar in so many different ways, and yet totally opposite in others and still managing to function at prime pace. she didn't need to drown herself in other people, in an attempt to drown her emotions. you'd never see her in a bar on a bad night talking her troubles away to any stranger that happened to be sitting next to her. she mostly found herself going home most nights. whether sully was there, or whether she was alone, she was rarely in great company. she'd found a way to sort of separate from her friends lately- not unlike she'd become distant from her husband. while she walked through life with many accurateness, there was no one else in her bed.

--------FOR someone so afraid at being alone, she was honestly fantastic at managing. like sully, there was always a part of her that was almost empty- but she insisted that it hadn't come from the loss of her mother. the loss instead only created a drive to become a mother herself, in a different way than she had been for her sisters. she always felt the topic was touchy, that it would go misunderstood, so it was something she kept to herself. there was no question in her mind, she was in love with her husband. not only could she not exist with out him; she would also die for him to live at any given moment. while difficult, he was a good, kind man who had always taken care of her and treated her with the most possible respect he could possibly muster at the time. her love was powerful, it was strong, it was unfailing- most of all, it was incredibly comfortable. but still, the love that all new parents speak of for their newborn babies was just overwhelming to her. did her parents feel that way for her when she was brand new? she remembered the birth of her two sisters; it was neither a joyous occasion, nor a solemn one- but millie was the first born and maybe, just maybe her parents had wanted her, had expected her, and had loved her. but even if they hadn't, it didn't matter- because she could have her own child- maybe three with someone she couldn't feel more secure in helping her assist her in raising them; she couldn't imagine a better father. she found find a new, remarkable sense of self-fulfillment, accomplish everything in life. bring her and her husband incredible happiness, and they would be together forever.

--------AND then this happened. she felt cheated of everything she'd worked for, everything she'd defined herself as for so long and she honestly had no idea how to pick up the pieces. her despair seemed heavy in the air. she carefully cupped her hands around her face, shielding her view from anyone, and again herself. "don't leave me-"

[/i] she didn't recall speaking the words, but escape from her lips they did none the less. however, before she could protest sully had stormed her, engulfed her in his strong arms and she stopped breathing for just a moment. she buried her head in his shoulder, taking a deep breathe and inhaling the scents that were him- bourbon and the horrible cologne she'd hated so much, result from none other than scarlett's doing. she felt content and safe in his arms for the first time in ages, and didn't mind one bit that her chest felt as if it'd cave in under his weight. she embraced him equally as hard, though still avoided his glance. his words were overly soothing, but did little to calm her emotions. her crying didn't do much to subdue, either- but only because she felt the situation was so desperate. as if this very moment was to be the end all and be all of them, that after this nothing would ever, or could ever be the same. she let him direct her where ever he wanted her to sit. standing in front of him now, and looking down on him with incredibly tired eyes, she felt too exhausted to stand. sitting on the ground tucked inbetween his feet, she rested her head on his lap. her hand searched for one of his own, lacing their fingers and pulling it to meet her lips. a tender kiss was placed, outlined with salty tears that lay smeared across her face. she felt nervous, but strangely content. submissive, but taking it in for what it was worth; nothing more, nothing less.

--------HOWEVER she still found herself extremely dissatisfied. not knowing just what exactly she was looking for out of her husband, his actions felt- forced, ingenuine. at the end of the day, millie was just an extremely naive girl. much like her sister, she'd taken on the undesirable trait of believing just about anything her peers told her; with a little research, of course. she didn't take things into account such as bias and heresy. interestingly enough this had never really become a problem in their business. while she was the books, sully was generally the image and he took care of all the legal obligations when it came to their various contracts. so just like in every other aspect of her life, she took sully's actions to heart. while she admittedly was the cause of said actions, the harsh things he said to her, the purposeful digs- they worked just as well as he'd hoped they would. it was illogical and insensible to feel so hurt by her husband, and she didn't believe anything of what he was saying. appreciating the effort, however, was an entirely new thing. her other arm wrapped around her husbands leg, and she could only imagine how feeble she looked; like a small child cuddling close to their father in desperate need for approval, for affection. she didn't know what the right thing to say was- and she didn't even know if there was a right thing to say. had she dug herself in a hole so deep, that trying to crawl out would only result in a cave-in? "just please, try and understand-"[/i] she begged him, her grip on his warmth growing stronger with every passing second. "how could i tell you? you've had such a hard time with your family, your mother- you've been so strong."[/i] and he had been. millie, constantly amazed by her husband had found a deep sense of admiration in regards to his candor about his mother. millie's own father, who's health was waning, had only caused additional stress in her life, but none compared to that sully had to cope with. she could only imagine.


--------"AND i'm not blaming you-"[/i] she added in quickly, not wanting him to feel any guilt for her own selfish actions. her deep sense of guilt marinated in her head. "but you need me, don't you? just like i need you and i didn't want you to have to think about not having me. i didn't want to think about not having you."[/i] her eyes met his own for only a moment, and she felt incredibly naked. "i let you down. i don't deserve you."[/i] that was something she genuinely believed.

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--------WORD COUNT outrageous.
--------WEARING here.
--------SONG heerrreeee.
--------NOTES omgg, it's tragic!

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