same old tired, lonely place //

[shelle]

_-----Noelle felt like absolute shit to be quite honest. She was fairly sure she looked the part as well, though she was npt bothered much by that. Physical appearances had taken a back seat to the more important factors of life, such as properly taking care of her children and trying desperately to design a line of casual dresses that she would hopefully be able to sell to one of the high end stores in New York, such as Bloomingdales or Nordstrom. Noelle knew what needed to be done, but actually accomplishing these goals and deadlines was another story altogether. Juggling her job, caring for her two children, and stressing out about Carver and his own plans for New York did not make for a very sane Noelle. Somehow, over the past few weeks, she had allowed the stress to dictate her life to the point where she felt she had not slept in days. In reality, she had been getting a solid six or seven hours every night, but it still felt like much less. While technically the days were lengthening, the days seemed to be getting shorter as she worried more and enjoyed less. She was in a miserable state of mind, but what was there to be done? Marie was tied up in her own problems, and while Noelle was well aware that her best friend was only a phone call, she felt as if she was infringing on some sort of privacy that Marie had. Noelle felt ill at ease discussing such matters with anybody else except Carver, but considering the two were not on good terms, Noelle certainly felt rather lonely.
-----N

[/size]oelle did not much like to dwell on things in the past, though more often than not she found herself wishing the last year had played out differently. She would fall asleep and dream as if things really had happened differently, and waking up in the morning to find that things were the exact same way she had left them the night before tended to put a damper on her mood. She would think of her children and how she adored them, how she wanted to be happy for them. She would pretend as if she was fine, smiling every time they asked a question. All the smiling had long since begun to hurt her cheeks, but that was a price she was willing to pay to make her children believe that everything was fine. Unfortunately, everything was not fine. Noelle was constantly worried that she was going to be called to court, that Carver was going to get his lawyers to take her children away from her. She was worried about his wedding, and his fiancée, a girl she had gone to school with in high school. Noelle always wondered what it was about her that he loved about her. Was it her personality? The fact that she was taller, prettier than Noelle? That she was thinner? That she would marry him when Noelle refused? She wondered if he ever kissed her the way he had kissed Noelle herself, if he felt as devoted to Lucy as he had once to Noelle? The question list went on and on, and as Noelle created what she felt were suitable answers to all of them, the feeling she got in the pit of her stomach was similar to that of a knife being pushed into her body further and further. She could feel the knife twist in her body just when she felt it could not possibly hurt any worse.
-----"A[/size]va, hunny, it’s time to wake up,” She said softly, taking a seat on her daughter’s bed. As the little girl woke up, Noelle ran a hand across her daughter’s forehead, brushing the strands of hair from her face. She smiled down at her little princess, in which Ava responded with a wide yawn. “Is daddy coming today?” The little girl questioned groggily, rubbing at her eyes before sitting up. “Yes, he’ll be here soon, which is why we need to get you out of bed,” Noelle answered with a weak smile. When Ava was up and killing a few minutes by watching cartoons in the family room, Noelle stepped into Julian’s room to wake him up. Julian, the little bundle of energy that he was, was often much easier to get out of bed than Ava was, so Noelle was not surprised when he was out of bed almost immediately after she woke him. While the two siblings sat in the family room, entranced in the plot of whichever cartoon they were watching, Noelle popped two waffles each for the two of them in the toaster. Calling them to the table when they were ready, she leaned against the counter top and watched them eat, crossing her arms as she did so. She glanced quickly at the clock above the stove, realizing that Carver would be arriving at any moment. While Ava and Julian ate, laughing sporadically whenever they thought the cartoon was funny, Noelle straightened up the family room, opening the curtains and then the blinds so that the early morning sunlight spilled in through the window. It was rather nice outside, so she opened the windows as well, a wave of considerably fresh air permeating the house. It had rained the night before, so the air still held some of the crispness from the rain before.
-----H[/size]er apartment was nice, if not a bit small. It was perfect for herself and the two children, but any other guests would have been a tight fit. Luckily, Noelle always found that she could use the size to her advantage when her children begged her to get a dog. No, she would say. The house is too small. A series of pouts would then follow, at which point Noelle would try to make it up by making a somewhat edible dessert for the two. No, her cooking was not fabulous in any form of the word, but she had certainly improved since high school. The only thing she had been able to cook then was macaroni and cheese, so this was certainly a step-up. Plus, her children always seemed to enjoy their mother’s way of saying sorry. After she had finished tidying up the room that Carver would see, she took the empty plates from her children and placed them in the dishwasher, cleaning both children up before letting them go back to sit in front of the television. She was busy drying her hands on the dishtowel when the doorbell rang. At this point, Julian ran over to the door and Ava let out a rather loud squeal. They opened the door, a series of excited ‘Daddys’ emitting from the young children’s mouths. Noelle tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and stepped around the corner, a rather blank expression finding its way to her face. “Morning,” She said, crossing her arms once again and leading her petite body against the wall as she looked him over once.

tagged cjames.
word count 1172
outfit click
ooc love them <3[/sub][/color][/size][/font][/blockquote]

[babe]

WE DON'T EVEN CARE,
AS RESTLESS AS WE ARE.
WE FEEL THE PULL IN THE
LAND OF A THOUSAND GUILTS.

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--------HE HATED waking up early, he noted precariously while setting his alarm clock the night before. he'd signed a three month lease two days before, for a comfortable three bedroom loft in downtown new york and had it furnished shortly after. not short on finances since the death of his father two years before, he signed the check with a large smile as he partook on the next adventure in his life. he couldn't have been more excited. such a large apartment had been purchased with his children in mind; a bedroom for each with visual baby monitors to ease the mind of the ever-paranoid father. and naturally, a bedroom for himself and his new fiancee who would join the three of them the next morning. it wasn't long before he realized he wasn't going to get much sleep that night; he was simply too excited. he may have been lacking in many areas, but one of them was not the amount of love he had for either of his children.

--------CARVER was the first to admit that he knew absolutely nothing about kids. he was quite a different parent in comparison to noelle, who had natural maternal instinct and much experience babysitting and dealing with her younger cousins. carver had never even held a baby until his children were born, so most if not all of his knowledge about "tiny people' came from the books. he lacked practical experience, and while noelle thought of the most important things; healthy food, clean clothes, getting them to school and different practices on time- carver worried about the more unusual things such as emotional health and proper progression markers and social skills.


--------CARVER never saw his children nearly as much as he'd like to. this itself was a curse with in a blessing. he really had no idea what it took to raise two young children and how time consuming it was on a day in and day out basis. while he'd always remained extremely proactive in his life, he was almost never with the two alone and spent his time assisting noelle. assisting with bath time, assisting with dinner time. watching movies together. every so often they'd all have story time with out the company of his ex-girlfriend. because he didn't have to spend so much time in the company of his flesh and blood, he had a lot of time to work on his personal life and his career. still, he was a relatively unhappy carver. he hated the volatile relationship that his and noelle's had turned into, hated the way things had turned out, and hated the different ways that it was affecting his children. however, he was excited to be back in new york. never having a fondness for the city when he was younger, he now felt a sense of warm familiarity about the city; like this was home. it was also amazed to see how many familiar faces from high school roamed the streets of manhattan. he felt like this was a new marking point in his life, a sort of light at the end of the tunnel for all his frustration and anger towards just about everything in life.

--------HE'D he'd registered for his classes and attended a psychology lecture, thus setting forth the beginning of his college education; something he'd never really thought of or contemplated in the past. at twenty in a few days, he was well behind the rest of his classmates, but happy none the less to attend. and naturally, his wedding was in three months time, another mission in itself. he would have been lying, had he told any given stranger on the street that he'd come to new york solely because of new york university. getting away from the press and appearing as if he was making a commitment to butter up noelle for some certainly traumatic news was the greater bulk behind his reasoning. he was sick of travelling back and forth. he was sick of saying hello and more importantly, saying goodbye. he was sick of having to keep up this ridiculous transient relationship he held with the two, and since noelle would not conform to his pleas of please, move closer, move back home- he had to take the next step. he never wanted to be that guy- the one who'd take things into the hands of the law, but this was all becoming too much. he felt for noelle and how this all must have seemed to her, but he had to look out for himself and his family now. she was the one who didn't want to be included in the dream, and now she had to live with it.

--------BEFORE he knew it, his alarm clock went off. he couldn't remember if he'd closed his eyes and fallen asleep or not, but it was hardly relevant. he put on the same clothes he wore the day before, feeling too lazy to go rummaging through the drawers for something more presentable. he didn't bother to make coffee or read the paper or smoke a cigarette before walking out the door and locking his apartment behind him. it was a short drive to noelle's complex, which was a benefit- he imagined he could have even walked there if he had a spare hour or two. the traffic wasn't so bad and he was there in fifteen minutes. he casually put out a cigarette he'd lit in frustration on the way before making paces on the sidewalk. her apartment wasn't too far up, and when he knocked on the door he heard excited giggles behind it. a smile instantly spread across his face, genuine and bright at the thought of the two little munchkins behind the door. he knocked on the wood playfully counting the seconds until noelle opened the threshold that bound carver james from his children and reunited them once more. with the click of a lock and the turn of a doorknob, inside he was and tiny bodies clung to his legs. bending down, he lifted ava into the air and ruffled julian's hair. "hey guys, how's it going? he asked his children in a warm and endearing voice. with a wet kiss placed on his daughters cheek, he gave her a bounce before putting her back on the ground and doing the same with julian. did you miss daddy? two little nods answered in return.

--------THE question had been more of a test, he giving noelle a look that spoke a thousand words. why aren't we together? why are you doing this to them? why are you keeping us apart? his smile returned almost instantly, as he stated calmly, "daddy missed you too, but we're going to have the best time ever this weekend. ever ever ever." he let himself into noelle's home, what maybe would have been there home had things gone a different way, and into their living room. "but why don't you two sit down and watch tv for a few minutes while me and mommy have a talk."

[/i] they both nodded eagerly and ran off, julian nearly jumping out of carvers arms. waiting until the two were safe out of sound, and wrapped into the magic school bus, he acknowledged noelle. her familiar face was a sight for sore eyes, and he pushed old memories out of his mind. he had a mission. a goal, and he needed to accomplish it. they were accepted into that preschool i enrolled them in."[/i] he stated in regards to the los angeles private school he'd found perfect for the two, as opposed to the much more competitive new york schools. he found this sufficient, and waited for her response. he knew this would be hard for her, but he was still doing it.

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--------WEARING here.
--------SONG here.
--------NOTES holy crapp.

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[shelle]

_-----Carver and Noelle, Noelle and Carver. The names roll off the tongue to make a rather pleasant sound, don’t they? Like they could fit together perfectly to make the neatest little puzzle, like you can’t have one without the other. For most of her life, Noelle’s belief was that Carver and her would last forever, that they would be the exception to most other failed high school relationships. If not anybody else, they would be the couple that would last forever, they would be the couple that would live out their fairytale dream of being in love and together for the rest of their lives. It was a thought that took up much of Noelle’s time when she was younger, especially when the two had first begun dating. She had loved flirting with the idea that the two would get married some day. He was so special to her, even from day one. After nearly six years together, the two were separated, and even now, a year after the shit had hit the fan, Noelle still felt as if half of herself was missing. How could she continue living as if everything was perfectly fine when it felt as though someone had ripped her heart into two pieces? It hurt to breathe sometimes, though she would never admit that to anybody. Sometimes she would lay in bed, holding herself back from shedding any tears, though it would physically hurt her chest to inhale, as if a weight was crushing her ribcage. It was the most uncomfortable feeling that she had ever encountered, and more than anything she wanted that feeling to disappear. Moving to New York had somewhat helped to lessen the pain, but knowing that Carver and his fiancée were back in town to take her children, she could feel the weight again, and she was scared as hell.
-----T

[/size]he past year had not been easy for Noelle in any stretch of the mind. She had always considered multitasking to be a strength of hers. She had always been able to juggle multiple things at once and usually succeed at every single component of her routine. If she was running late on a project, she did it to the absolute best of her ability, often pulling all nighters in high school just to complete every single homework assignment to the best of her ability. However, having two children to care for by herself as well as attempting to start a fashion career for herself while caring for the house and her friend who had countless problems of her own, well, Noelle had bit off more than she could chew. She couldn’t do everything on her own, though she tended to reject every bit of help that was offered to her. Harper had asked countless times if she could stay with Noelle for a while just to help her figure this new lifestyle out, though Noelle refused. She knew her parents would have taken the first plane to New York had they known just what Noelle was going through. Luckily Della was so wrapped up in her peaking fashion career that she was having quite a bit of trouble worrying about anybody but herself and her career. Noelle had never realized it before, but what she had had with Carver was her fairytale. Although he was working a lot near the end of their relationship, he was still always there to catch her before she lost it completely. He was honestly tons of help to her, even if he never realized it. Even now, when she was cussing him out in her head but appearing calm, she couldn’t help but secretly thank him for giving her a weekend just to figure things out. However, the fear was itching at her at the same time.
-----N[/size]oelle couldn’t help but smile as she witnessed the interaction between father and children. He loved them so much, and while Noelle knew that’s what should have made her happy, part of her wished that he would feel the same way about her, that he would scoop her up in his arms and make everything okay again. Instead, he sent the children into the living room to watch television. She smiled at Ava and Julian as they laughed at Miss Frizzle and Liz, the class pet of The Magic School Bus. She could feel Carver’s gaze on her, and she turned her head to face him. Considering his height, she was forced to tilt her head at a somewhat awkward angle, though she had long since become immune to the uncomfortable strain in her neck that she felt after looking at him for long periods of time. It had always been worth it to her before. As Carver spoke, Noelle could feel her fears being confirmed. She locked her jaw, shaking her head at the same time. Was he really doing this to her? Was he really trying to take the last shred of happiness that she had right now? She didn’t want to appear upset, so she answered in a monotone, ”That might be a little problematic considering that preschool is in California and they live here in New York.” Her stomach was knotting up, she could feel it. It was the same knotting feeling that she had encountered when she had heard Carver was engaged. She remembered the night clearly, as if it had been yesterday. Carver had called her up himself and told her. He said he had figured she would want to know before the newspapers came out with the news and she had to find out that way. She had answered with something along the lines of ‘What a nice fucking gesture.’ She had cried herself to sleep that night, and the knots didn’t go away for weeks.
-----S[/size]he sighed, unlocking her jaw and looking away from him. She couldn’t deal with more bad news. Why was he trying to take them from her? She wasn’t an unfit mother. Yes, she may have yelled at them more in the past year than she ever had before, but that was only because she was confused and stressed out about everything lately. She knew she broke a lot of promises that she had made to them, but it was only because she was getting so busy at trying to make a name for herself. However, Ava and Julian were her last tie to Carver. If he took them away, what would that mean? She would be alone, and the pain of losing them all in a span of one year might become allayed over the years. Yes, she would probably become successful in her desire for a fashion designing career, and yes, she would probably appear happy to anybody who met her. That was just how Noelle was. However, she would be completely and utterly alone, the perfect fairytale life she had envisioned for herself at age fourteen gone and in ruins. Reality was difficult to face, especially for Noelle, and she didn’t know if she could ever deal with not seeing her children every morning. If this happened, she didn’t know if she would ever be able to forgive Carver for taking away the last important thing that held meaning in her life. ”Carver, you can't take them away,” She said, her voice a little more strained and her eyes a little more pleading, though she tried to hide both traces of emotion. Unfortunately, Carver was able to read Noelle as easily as a book, something she had always liked about him until now.

tagged cjames.
word count 1278
outfit click
ooc so this sucks balls, but i lost my reply the first time, and i’m tired so this is what you get. sorrrry.[/sub][/color][/size][/font][/blockquote]

[babe]

WE DON'T EVEN CARE,
AS RESTLESS AS WE ARE.
WE FEEL THE PULL IN THE
LAND OF A THOUSAND GUILTS.

[/I][/center]

--------HIS blue eyes peered into the living room where his two children now sit. they were good kids, really. maybe a little too shy and innocent, but he didn't consider those negative qualities during childhood when it was most important to remain pure. he was constantly fascinated by them; truly intrigued in their every action and move and didn't much regret having them at a young age. in fact, he considered them one of his greatest blessings in life. carver really thought that he'd improved a lot in life. he was much more happy- anyone with two eyes could see that, and things didn't seem so poor-to-do. associating it with the slow in the rush of hormones throughout the years, when bad things happened to carver, they just didn't seem so bad. sure, they were tragic and unfortunate, but he didn't feel like crying over it for hours on end. when he heard the words that came out of noelle's mouth, he almost wanted to cringe. always being the sensitive little bunny, carver wasn't nearly as crass as he came off. he was mostly trying to spite his ex-girlfriend. he was still angry and upset, furious at her really for not agreeing to be his bride so long ago. life had to go on, however- and he knew she was too proud to ever admit that she was wrong.

--------CARVER really wasn't trying to deprive his children of their mother. having a spotty at best experience with his own parents, he'd always wanted for the twins what he'd never had himself. that meant a loving mother and father that were in the same home; family vacations, traditions, spending holidays together- but it seemed that despite even his best efforts, that was just not going to happen. he honestly felt like taking the children was the best thing for them, and he couldn't understand why noelle didn't agree. california had given both of them a great childhood, a great life really- while new york was often a place they turned their noses at. it was where their friends were, who were now having their own children that ava and julian could only continue to grow up with. the schools were less competitive and the attitude was much less intense, and he really couldn't think of a single negative aspect. carver couldn't help but become convinced that noelle was playing the martyr in this situation. that she rather cling to her way in some strange sort of last stand, rather than try and negotiate for the better.


--------PREPARED for all the trials and tribulations that would come with raising his two little ones on his own, and with some medial help from his new wife, he felt certain that he was ready for the task. in the back of his mind, he was praying that noelle would just suddenly have a change of heart. that she would finally see that california was the best for all of them, and this issue wouldn't need to be pressed any further. bring a lawyer into the situation was the last straw, but he wasn't afraid to do it. this was mostly because he had the confidence that no judge would deny him his parental right. he was a fit and proper parent, and deserved his children with in immediate distance of him. before it'd even started, he just wanted it to be over it; just a little too eager to grow up. ever since he'd known noelle and even before, carver was always chasing some sort of unattainable goal. aspiring to be a mountain of a man, he had a lot to live up to from a young age and for the most part had done a good job. he'd abandoned most of his bad habits for more wholesome child appropriate ones, found a career, really taken his life by the reigns. still on the inside, as always however, carver was just a little boy; looking for direction and always quite lost in the world.

--------HE really wanted to avoid hurting noelle. despite how outwardly upset he may have appeared, he really did wish her no harm. she was still, and forever would be his first love and the mother of his children, and he wanted to make this an easy transition. every time he felt guilty about the hurt he would cause her, simply by relocating his children, he was filled with guilt. he had to constantly remind himself that she had brought him to this decision. how many times had he begged her to move a little closer to him? hell, how many times had he begged her not to move in the first place? he could understand needing a little bit of time to grab hold of things after they separated, but noelle had taken this to an entirely new level and one he'd been particularly lenient with. ignoring her excuses, he held his hand up in protest. it's not taking them away, noelle." he insisted, leaning his back against the wall. i've asked you a thousand times to bring them out there, and your excuses are all ridiculous."

[/i] he couldn't even begin to list all the reasons why new york was wrong, why all of this was wrong but he didn't have the time, and he didn't want to has open old wounds. "it's obvious that you're run down, but more than that- this isn't right what you're doing. i deserve to have them just as much as you do. you're being selfish."




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--------WEARING here.
--------NOTES sorry i just put up his outfitt.

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[shelle]

_-----Not done, obvi.

tagged cjames.
word count
outfit click
ooc sorry this is taking so long.

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